Another day, another crop of online dating profiles to annoy the crap out of me. I don’t enjoy online dating much in that so far it’s been pretty unsuccessful, but I sure do love reading online dating profiles. This time, I decided to take a break from perusing profiles for guys who’ve given themselves weird nicknames and specify they’re only interested in younger women, to study what my fellow female online daters are up to. I have to say, I am impressed. I have some stiff competition, at least in the New York area — ladies who are attractive, funny, witty, smart, and sassy. Seriously, I was ready to message at least a handful of these chicks to see if they’d want to be besties. After skimming dozens and dozens of profiles written by women, it’s clear that men are the ones who need the most help when it comes to attracting women online. Still, I did see a few glaring DON’TS being committed by the ladies, so let’s learn from them, shall we? Here’s how to make sure your profile is a cut above the rest.1. Close Your Mouth: The most common terrible profile photo facial expression is, of course, duck face and I think we can all agree that it needs to be eliminated off the face of the earth. But the second most common terrible profile facial expression is the wide-open mouth. Like “The Scream.” Or seconds before a blow job. I don’t get it. Do you think your tonsils are sexy? I don’t want to see the white plaque buildup on your tongue and I’m pretty sure the fellas don’t either. Let’s keep our mouths shut in photos, shall we?
2. If You’re Shallow, Your Respondents Will Be Too: Only more so, because they’re men. One profile I came across started out her “About Me” section with three long paragraphs about how hot she is, what her dress size is, and what her physical requirements are in a dude. Now, having preferences is normal, certainly, but if you make it clear that your looks are the best thing about you and that the thing you care most about in a partner is how he looks, the only dudes who will be interested are a bunch of meathead-y losers who will break up with you the second you gain an ounce. If you’re going to be shallow, be more subtle about it, that way you attract someone who meets your physical “standards” but isn’t a total d**kwad.
3. Cool It!! With The Excessive EXCLAMATION Points And ALL CAPS!!: Because it makes you sound immature and potentially DUMB and definitely annoying. Chances are you’re not! Or maybe you ARE! But you want to hide that, right?!!
4. Just Say No To Sepia: I’ve noticed that a significant amount of women post photos of themselves that are sepia-toned. Why? Are you trying to hide the fact that you have an uneven skin tone or acne? It’s not 1892. Color photos only, please.
5. Naturally Quirky Is Good; Trying Too Hard To Be Different Is Annoying: Sure, you absolutely want your profile to describe your interests and what your sense of humor is like. That’s why a combination of being straight-up sincere, while still funny and approachable, is the perfect balance. However, many online daters (men and women) take the “here are my quirks” thing too far. Explaining that you “usually don’t wear shoelaces, but if I do, they are pretty much always untied,” is adorably random, while writing your entire profile in a weird hybrid of English and some language you made up yourself is f**king weird.
6. Don’t Over-Think It: Remember, your profile is the first impression you’re making before someone ever speaks to you, let alone meets you in person for a first date. And what kind of person do you like to go on first dates with? Kind, smart, attractive, yes, but also fun. So when you’re writing your profile, don’t over-think it — you can convey you’re smart without listing every obscure book you’ve ever read or laying out your perspective on the last 20 years of American history. You can get to that on date number two. For now, when writing your profile, don’t be too analytical. You’re trying to get a date, not pass the bar exam.
7. SEXXXY Usernames Have Got To Go: You may very well be a sexy broad. I don’t know because I don’t know you. But what I do know is that if you have some version of the word “sexy” in your profile name you will attract sleaze balls who only want to put it in your butt.
8. Wipe Away Your Tears: Don’t advertise that you “cry a lot.” Dudes hate crying. They’ll put up with it if you’re their girlfriend, but we’re not there yet, are we?
Follow these rules and you might just meet someone awesome. At the very least, you’ll have a gal like me admiring your profile and wishing we were friends. And that’s awesome.