10 Suggestions For The Rehab Facility Lindsay Lohan Plans To Open

Lindsay Lohan is heading to the slammer. But don’t worry about her career being ruined, she has bigger plans for when she gets out of the big house. Supposedly, she wants to open up her very own rehab facility for struggling starlets like herself. Proud mama Dina talked about her daughter’s aspirations to become a rehab mogul. “Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don’t fall through the cracks in this town. She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She’s really growing up.” Moving. Very moving. [Celebitchy]

After the jump, some special perks we hope to see at The Lohan House, or whatever she decides to call it.

  1. The Lohan House facilities must always be attached to a private beach or lake to make it feel more like being on vacation. And Dina will always be there … tagging along.
  2. All patients are given 10 complimentary pairs of 6126 leggings and SCRAM ankle bracelets once they are admitted.
  3. Therapy sessions are conducted over Twitter and meeting times are extremely flexible.
  4. Lindsay Lohan movies like “Labor Pains,” “Georgia Rule,” and “Mean Girls” play around the clock in common areas.
  5. Orderlies push around carts filled with important toiletries like bleach, eyeliner, spray tanner, and FU nail art.
  6. Everyone gets released on Friday night for club hopping.
  7. Head counselor, Kari Anne Peniche, organizes special trust exercises like “Pin the Stethoscope on Dr. Drew,” where one person is blindfolded and the others have to direct them with only their voices.
  8. Patients receive hypnosis to help them overcome their “real” problems—like claustrophobia and exhaustion. [Celebitchy]
  9. A ghost writer is on staff to help famous druggies pen memoirs upon release. Also, each patient gets their own personal trainer and Botox so they look hot when they leave.
  10. If you fall off the wagon, you can just blame it on “that black kid.” Hey, it almost worked for Lindsay. [TMZ]