Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Jennifer Has Kids? Mel Hit The Baby?

I’ve come to accept that I am now a gossiper. A few years ago, I’d never bought a tabloid and prided myself on not following reality television. And now whenever someone brings up a celebrity, I know at least 10 totally unimportant things about them—which makes it hard to keep my street cred. But celebrities are just like us, with problems and insecurities, which is mildly comforting when they appear so much more put-together. There are some pretty good little stories in this week’s tabloid batch. So gather ’round, and get ready for story time.

  • Another week, another mommy story for Jennifer Aniston. This time, OK! says that Jen’s new man, Chris Gartin, comes complete with two kids who recently accompanied Jen to Courteney Cox’s daughter’s tea party. Apparently, Jen has known Chris for 10 years, but Courteney had been “nudging” the couple together for a year while Chris was separating from his ex-wife. An insider says that for their first date, Chris “arrived with a homemade bunch of roses he’d picked from his garden and a bottle of one of Jen’s favorite wines.” Another source added, “They match wits and banter for hours. It’s like watching a late-night talk show.” But Chris’ ex-wife Jo is pissed because she had also been friends with Aniston for a decade. She’s suing for full custody because she “doesn’t need to have her kids stalked by paparazzi.”
  • Miley Cyrus has revealed why she’s been dressing so skanky skimpy lately. “I work really hard to be fit and to know I can wear whatever makes me feel most comfortable,” she said. Miley credits her new-found confidence to trainer Harley Pasternak. Miley said, “I feel most comfortable dressing with a little less and that’s how I’ve always been. It’s just now I’m able to do that a little more freely.”
  • There’s a new column in OK! called “Ask Bethenny,” where former “Real Housewives of New York City” star Bethenny Frankel answers questions. Some of her gems of wisdom include bribing your man to do chores by making his favorite dinner in exchange for the dishes or bartering with sex. She also recommends indulging in cravings in small quantities and being positive even if you look like crap. “Keep in mind that having a positive attitude is more attractive than perfection,” she says. “I walk around in a grandma bra and ripped sweats, but I’m happy with myself, so Jason finds that attractive.” [OK!]

  • I literally laughed out-loud when I realized it was Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin on the cover of Us Weekly, telling us they’re getting married! And Bristol’s already wearing an engagement ring! And this is how they’re telling Sarah Palin! Bristol told the tabloid, “We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents. … I love my mom more than anything. I pray she’ll attend our wedding. When she accepts this, it’ll be awesome. Till then, we are on our own.” The couple said they both thought things were over until they met to work out a custody arrangement and went for a walk. Afterward Levi text Bristol, “I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you again.” Bristol says, “I was in shock. I was like, ‘I miss you too.’ The next day, we started hanging out and, literally, we have hung out every day since.” Levi expressed regret for the things he said about Sarah Palin and insists he’s no longer that “punk.” And jeez is Tripp cute.
  • Jessica Simpson’s birthday went a helluva lot better than it did last year. For her 30th, Jessica went to Capri, Italy, with her new beau, Eric Johnson. A witness said, “Eric was attentive and complimentary. He seems completely smitten.” Jessica celebrated with a party of tequila, champagne and dancing where everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” after which Jess and Eric started kissing. According to a partygoer, it was “very lusty.” The next night, they went to dinner with Daddy Simpson and sister Ashley, where Eric proposed a toast. Their hotel room lights didn’t go out until 4 a.m.!
  • Apparently, Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up again, but Drew is already seeing ABC comedy development exec Cort Cass. One of Cass’ friends says, “Drew and Cort have been out six times or so. They were hanging out on July 2 and were very lovey-dovey.” Though Barrymore’s rep says the two are “just friends,” the insider says that “Drew seems totally into him,” despite the fact that he’s a “skinny, 5-foot-6 redhead, but he’s perfected a whole persona— a manufactured confidence.” Huh? [a href=”” target=”new”>Us Weekly]

  • I’m not sure why Whitney Houston being on drugs is news, but the National Enquirer says that she’s got a $300,000 a year cocaine habit. A source reveals that the singer was “high as a kite” during her interview with Oprah. Duh. Whitney’s friend said, “Whitney is a dead woman walking! With the amount of drugs she’s buying, she won’t be able to live long.” After her performance in Copenhagen, one newspaper wrote, “She looked and sounded like a person who doesn’t have many years left to live.” Another source said, “In the past, I’ve known Whitney to buy five ounces of cocaine one day and then call back the next day for more.”
  • Apparently, Mel Gibson isn’t just abusive towards Oksana Grigorieva. He’s now been accused of hitting their love child, Lucia. In the recorded tapes, Oksana said, “You hit me and you hit her while she was in my hands. I am just fearing for the life of my daughter… I’m saving her life! You almost killed us, did you forget?” Mel claims on the tape that he will get custody, saying, “I will have that child easily.” He also drops the f-bomb 17 times in two minutes. A doctor says that Mel’s outbursts can be partially attributed to his bi-polar disorder. “Bipolar patients think they can control the disorder and tend to self-medicate,” he said. “Alcohol only exacerbates the psychosis but this is a tough disorder that requires professional help.”
  • Prince William is in the royal doghouse with girlfriend Kate Middleton, after cheating on her and her being told by palace advisers that William would have mistresses and she had to “grin and bear it.” William made out with British pop star Natasha Hamilton four years ago, which was in every paper in Britain at the time. And Kate was upset that William wasn’t even remotely discreet. Now Kate’s being briefed to prepare for more humiliation and she “felt physically ill … and doesn’t want to go ahead with the wedding.” Royal expert Nicholas Davies said, “It’s been accepted practice for centuries that England’s kings and princes can fool around behind their wives’ backs.” A source says, “The wedding’s on hold, and those closest to the couple are wondering if it will ever take place.” [National Enquirer]

  • People got to cover Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher’s wedding, which was totally beautiful. Carrie wore a Monique Lhuillier gown and a diamond tiara. Fisher said of his bride, “[She] looked stunning. I was thanking God for her, for that moment. It’s something I’ll never forget.” The wedding reception was totally pink. Underwood said, “Mike was like, ‘There’s pink everywhere!’ There was pink lighting and pink things hanging from the ceiling, flower balls and ribbon and sparkles.” For the couple’s first dance, Brandon Heath performed “Love Never Fails.” Their wedding planner said, “They are just madly in love. They didn’t leave each other’s sides all night.”
  • Interestingly, Bristol Palin kept totally mum about her engagement to Levi Johnston in her People interview! She told the magazine, “We’re not totally back together, but I’m not ruling it out. Right now, we’re just doing what’s best for Trip. … I’m going to work things out with Levi. I don’t want to get into what’s in store for our future because who knows? But hopefully we will be a family.” The article mentions that Levi is studying for his GED and wants to become an electrician. Bristol blames her mom’s campaign for the dissolution of their relationship. “I think Levi and I would be married,” she said. “He would still have his job on the North Slope, and we’d be in a one-bedroom apartment, scraping by.” And she admits that this scenario would’ve been a happy one. She’s currently living with her older brother’s girlfriend and is loving motherhood.
  • “Twilight: Eclipse” co-star Chaske Spencer talked to People about how he recovered from alcohol and heroin addiction. As leader of the werewolf pack, Spencer says that the experience has saved him. The 35-year-old Native American actor left reservations for New York City after he realized he would probably “get thrown in jail for drinking or knock a girl up” if he didn’t get out. He went to study acting but ending up in a drug binge. “I was hoping to die because I just couldn’t face getting clean.” After realizing that he could die “on a dirty mattress” in Brooklyn, Spencer went to rehab and realized he’d blown $2 million on drugs in his life. “My way of thinking had gotten me beat up, in jail, going through relationships, not bathing. I said, ‘I’ll do whatever you want me to do.’ It was the first time I just shut up and listened.” After a year of sobriety, Spencer signed his “New Moon” contract. [People]

  • An insider says that Lindsay Lohan is suicidal over her jail sentence. A source says, “Lindsay absolutely lost it when she got home from court. She ran around breaking mirrors, cutting herself and rambling like a lunatic. She tore her house apart before she finally just broke down.” Dina Lohan added, “Lindsay’s scared to death. It’s very difficult. We’re not sleeping well; we’re not functioning. We cry a lot, and we hug a lot.” Lindsay’s on 24/7 suicide watch and is not only worried about being locked up in a cell alone, but she might also be forced to go off her medications including Nexium for heart burn, trazodone for depression, Zoloft for anxiety, Adderall for ADHD, and Dilaudid, a powerful painkiller she’s been taking since she got her wisdom teeth out on June 1. One specialist says, “She has a history of drug abuse, and to give her something like Dilaudid, which is a narcotic, is not responsible. She could easily overdose.”
  • With all of his projects, it’s hard to imagine that Ryan Seacrest ever takes a break. But Star caught part of his romantic getaway with former “Dancing with the Stars” pro, Julianne Hough. The couple made out on board a luxury yacht in Portofino, Italy. An eyewitness says, “When she got there, Julianne ran up the gangplank and threw her arms around Ryan. She smothered him with kisses and gave him a full-body hug.” Another insider says, “Their chemistry is sizzling.” One of Seacrest’s friends said, “For the first time in his life, Ryan feels like he is with someone who he could truly have children and grow old with.” Ryan’s already introduced Julianne to his mother, which he apparently “almost never” does.
  • Star is insinuating that “Bachelorette” Ali Fedotowsky isn’t acting like an engaged woman. Ali recently did karaoke at the Beverly Hills Farmer’s Market and when men approached her, she was definitely enjoying it. The reality star was chatted up by “Entourage” star Kevin Connolly, and as one person pointed out, “Usually, ‘Bachelorette’ contestants are in hiding until the show is over and they’ve spilled their hearts out on the ‘After the Final Rose’ special—but not Ali. She’s everywhere these days!” Another insider says, “Ali wasn’t into any of the guys. A lot of them were deadbeats.” True story. “Bachelorette” expert Steve Carbone says, “Ali left Bora Bora a single woman.” Another source says, “She’s networking, meeting all the right people, so she can start a career as a TV show host or special correspondent. Ali had no intention of finding a husband on ‘The Bachelorette.'” [Star]