Call me The Brostrologer. I can tell how a woman will be in bed just by finding out her astrological sign. It’s true. I’m not a student of astrology. I actually know very little about it. To me, stars are just what your father stole from the sky and put in your eyes. They are also giant balls of nuclear fire burning brightly in the inky infinity of space. Besides helping ancient mariners navigate, they serve no practical Earthly purpose, save to twinkle and occasionally fall. But enough about celestial aesthetics. In fact, I don’t even really believe in astrology (no offense to house sorceress Kiki T.). I also don’t believe in ghosts, Bigfoot, or conspiracy theories. To add to that list: I don’t believe in reiki, the prophecies of Nostradamus, or the words “fat free.”
But I have to admit that, in my experience, I can predict certain carnal behaviors and predilections based on birthdays. Generalizations, if you will. I admit this upfront. So, fair warning. Emotionally prepare yourself, noble readers, for broadstrokes. I have dated either seriously or fleetingly, all of the signs of the zodiac, save for one. I’ve dated or made out with some of these signs more than once. Over the years, I’ve noticed certain … patterns. I don’t believe in astrology. At best, I think horoscopes are mirrors that reflect back what you’re already projecting. Anyone could read any zodiac profile and find a little bit of themselves in the words. But, every time I’ve dated, say, a Libra … damned if she wasn’t just a little bit like other Libras I’ve dated. I chalk it up to dependable coincidences. I don’t question it. I just accept it.
But tell me your sign, and I’ll know a little bit about you. But first things first. I am a Leo, which I’m pretty sure means that I’m amazing. Before I continue, I want to reiterate: I really know next to nothing about the signs. Anything I know, I’ve either just observed or time spent studying the little drawings of the symbols that represent each sign.
You’d think Leos would get along with other Leos, but it’s never worked out for me. Too much kitty ego. Leo women are great in the love hammock, as all Leos are. They love elaborate foreplay and dirty talk. Leo women roar and live to liberate bed sheets from the mattress. We like to scratch.
Libras are natural diplomats. Libras are the living embodiments of the scales of justice, like the dancing candelabra in Beauty and the Beast. As such, they are usually happy to please, especially in the boudoir. Every Libra I’ve ever slept with has been a kinky flesh freak, all funk, no jive. The Taurus is the bull, so yeah, they’re stubborn. The more you pull, the more they dig their hooves in. Tauruses are amazingly loyal, and sexually, they’re gentle and incredibly sensual. And curvy. Here are my feelings on curves.
I’ve not dated many Capricorns, but I get the feeling they get a bad rap. Capricorns are generally very success-oriented, and can come off as shallow. But they just want those they love to be happy. I find that they are pretty choosy at first, but once they’ve decided you’re not a loser, they love a healthy game of naked tug o’ war. I know Aries and Sagittarians are two different signs, but I get along with both, especially Sagittarians. Aries is named for the God of War, and love adventure and spontaneity, and they don’t bang wusses. Especially stupid wusses. Sagittarians are, like, centaur hunters. Half-human, half-wild animal. They get off on the hunt. They are also excellent on road trips. They make whoopee like it’s a sport where everyone wins.
My first serious girlfriend was an Aquarian. I wrote about her here. I think Aquarians wish they could be Leos, seeing as they’re social and elegantly command the center of attention. They place a high value on the intellect, being smarties. Aquarians make great friends, great lovers, and ideally, a little bit of both shows up in the motel room. Aquarians are almost always friends with their exes, which can annoy regal felines. I also think Geminis are judged unfairly. I have gotten along with just about every Gemini woman I’ve ever met, famously so. Gemini women aren’t two-faced. I don’t find them deceptive. You just have to be ready for whichever face shows up, because it’s not like they talk about you behind their own back. Gemini can be dramatic, but I’m astrologically inclined to tolerate such performances. That said, I’ve never gotten my junk on with a Gemini. But I understand that they are far from boring. (It’s like a threesome every time!)
Cancers are some of the most emotional women I’ve ever met, and that’s not a negative statement. They feel emotions deeply. They are a crab, with is an unfortunate critter to be represented by, but it is apt. They have a hard outer shell. But once they’ve let you in past the shell, it’s a completely different story. Cancers always have comfy homes (come to think of it, so do Tauruses). They are intense, emotionally and physically open lovahs. Betray or hurt them, however, and you will get spit out of the shell. And it’s hell to get back in. Which brings us to Pisces, and all I can say is: Leos and Pisces should not date. Nothing against the fishy … a Leo can learn a lot from these mellow, mischievous, go-with-the-flow types. Pisces love to party. They will blow you in a theater, Alanis Morissette-style. Perfect partners-in-crime and they always make me feel uptight.
And then there are Scorpios. I have many thoughts on Scorpios. First of all, they are the most sexed-up sign of the zodiac. [Holla! -- Editor] They will rock-and-roll all night long, take a break for a bowl of Special K, and get right back to pounding it out. Scorpios can go from fully clothed to naked in 3.5 seconds. Hot, messy, transcendent sex is their business, and business is always good. Scorpios are like Cancers with weaponry. Sensitive, emotional, a hard candy shell. But if you f**k with them, they will destroy you with their giant pincers and poison-tipped scorpion tails. Scorpio women almost always have large, gorgeous, expressive eyes. Eyes that shoot death lasers. Break their heart, they’ll break your face. And here’s the thing: they don’t really do “casual” that well. Their loyalty is fearsome. Even when they hate you, they still kind of love you, which makes them hate you even more. What a ride. Leos and Scorpios are a combustible pairing, but with a little patience, and lots of communication, and some more patience, it can be a lovely little Fourth of July every single night.
Again, many apologies to Kiki.
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