Dear Wendy: “I’m Cheating On My Wife And My Girlfriend Is Cheating On Me”

I am married and am having an affair. I’m in the process of leaving my wife, but I suspect my girlfriend/mistress is seeing other people. Is that considered cheating? She says she loves me, but until I leave my wife she says she should be able to see other people. I don’t love my wife anymore, but we need to untangle our relationship. I’m beginning to question if I should marry my girlfriend. I’m going to leave my wife regardless. What do you think? — Two-timer

Yeah, if you’re involved with a woman you’ve never been fully committed to — a woman who admits to seeing other people while you still haven’t left your wife — maybe this isn’t exactly the best time to start drafting those wedding invitations. If you don’t love your wife anymore, do the decent thing and divorce her first before you proceed any further with another relationship. I’d suggest you take a year or two to “cleanse your palate,” but if you’re eager to jump back on the saddle again, at least be honest about what you’re able to give, both emotionally and physically, and accept that it’s only fair to expect the same from a potential mate. Basically: if you still live with your wife, whether you love her still or not, it’s hardly fair to expect your girlfriend/mistress to remain faithful to you.

I have been having an affair with my “friend’s” boyfriend for over a year off and on. We got drunk together one night and one thing led to another and he ended up spending the night at my place … I know it’s stupid to keep waiting for him to end his relationship for me, but I can’t help myself and I think he can’t either. I’m not saying that it’s OK, or that I think he’s even a good guy, but I think that if I wait a little longer he’ll leave her. I have read a lot about being the other woman and the line I always see is, “If he did it to her, he will probably do it to you, too.” Am I an idiot to think that maybe we just fell in love? I have told him that I will not have any physical relationship with him while he is still with her (they are living together and he claims he is saving up money to move out) and he just told me that he loves me and that we’ll have plenty of time for that later. We are very emotionally and intellectually intimate even though we are not physically intimate. I just don’t want to hurt myself or anyone one else in this situation. What do I do when I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him? Should I wait a little bit longer? — Other Woman

If you don’t want to “hurt yourself or anyone else,” why in the world are you having an emotional affair with a man who’s in a relationship — a man who’s in a relationship with one of your friends (and what’s with the quotes around “friends”? They don’t make what you’re doing any less wrong.)?! You’re being lied to by two people here, the guy you’re seeing and yourself. He’s not interested in leaving his girlfriend for you. If that were the case, he’d do it already. It doesn’t take that much money to move out. And you’re lying to yourself if you think this relationship has potential to go the distance. We’re talking about a guy who not only thinks it’s fine to spend the night at another woman’s house when he lives with his girlfriend, but he can’t even get it together enough to move into his own place. And you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

Tell the guy you won’t see him again until he’s fully broken up with his girlfriend and has a place of his own. If he can’t do that within a month — and I’ll be shocked if he does — there’s no way he’s going to be the kind of life partner you want for yourself. And even if he does somehow magically get it together in the next month, you know you’re always going to be wondering when he’s going to screw around on you. Is that really the kind of relationship you want?

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