Jake And Vienna Face Off: My Great Aunt Mildred Decodes Their Body Language

The Frisky enjoyed a three day weekend in celebration of Independence Day, which is why there was no liveblogging of the latest episode of “The Bachelorette” last night. However, I did watch and had many moments of “ZOMGROBERTO IS ZOMG SO FINE!!!” I watched the subsequent interview with recently split “Bachelor” couple Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi with my Great Aunt Mildred*, who happens to be a body language expert**. And my, oh my, did she have some thoughts about Jake and Vienna’s behavior and omissions. Find out her assessment*** of what they had to say — and how they said it — after the jump …So, Great Aunt Mildred, what was your impression of Jake’s body language when he was first brought out alone by Chris Harrison?

He’s a cocky son-of-a-bitch, that’s for sure.

Whoa, Great Aunt Mildred, I’ve never heard you use such salty language. I like it! Do you think Jake was unhappy about being there?

Oh no, I think his half-cocked smile and controlled demeanor looked incredibly rehearsed, like he was playing a role. He likes the attention, good or bad.

I got the impression from Jake during the entire interview like he thought Vienna was acting like a crazy person and no one would ever take anything but his side in the matter. However, I was Team Vienna all the way and thought he was acting like a complete jerk.

Well, I’m a professional, so I don’t take sides; however, I did think all of Jake’s mannerisms and facial expressions indicated an incredibly high level of narcissism. This is a dude who thinks his s**t don’t stink.

Again with the salty language! Vienna, on the other hand, while hysterical at times, seemed to be completely genuine in everything she was saying. Yes, she interrupted him a ton, but I’ve been in arguments with people like Jake before and it’s incredibly frustrating. I also got the feeling that Jake was lying a lot.

Yes, when Vienna would call him out directly — which she did a number of times — she looked him dead in the eye, which indicates she was confident in her statements. Jake, on the other hand, seemed to be reading from a script, but he also was blinking like mad, especially when answering direct questions. For example, when Vienna asked him about his reaction to when her dog was sick and he denied saying her dog was spoiled, he was blinking like crazy. Not a good sign that someone is being truthful. He also blinked a lot when he said that he broke up with Vienna, not the other way around. I was also bothered by his laughter — it was incredibly fake and inappropriately timed.

More than anything, I was very put off by his dismissing her for getting worked up. As if his hyper-controlled, tightly wound, “shut your mouth”-type attitude was a more appropriate way of handling a disagreement. At the end of the day, I think Jake wants a woman who will sit quietly by his side and Vienna, for all her faults, just isn’t that woman.

Personally, I don’t think Jake wants a man or a woman. I think he wants attention. Fame gets his d**k wet.

Great Aunt Mildred, you never cease to amaze me.

* Great Aunt Mildred does not exist.
** Great Aunt Mildred — who does not exist — is not a body language expert.
*** OK, it’s my assessment.