Sure, we all look like Brad and Angie after a few shots on a moonlit night. Tanned, toned and ready for some serious lovemaking, we hop into our lover’s bed for a night of hot-shadow-sex. But assuming it’s more than a one-night stand, sooner or later it’s time for Vulnerable Sex. You know the kind—unholy sunshine beaming into that studio apartment revealing last night’s calamari in your teeth, his uni-brow in full force and that stubborn bacne you just can’t get rid of. I can recall a session of first-morning-sex with a girlfriend that featured me burying my face into a pillow to shield an epic chin zit.
Good morning, varicose-vain! Top o’ the morning, stubborn stomach flab, cellulite and neck scar! How’d ya sleep, blackhead, wart, mole, and blotch? Love at first light can be quite traumatic; it’s our eyes’ version of unprotected sex. After the jump, my 5 tips for surviving vulnerable morning sex …
- Set your alarm for 5:30 a.m. and sneak off to the bathroom for damage control. You’re there to take The BEL Test: breath, eyes and lips. Rinse your face, pick the funk out of your eyes and wipe the icky film that’s coating your lips. Then throw a hunk of toothpaste into your mouth, chew, swallow and sneak back into bed.
- Strategically cover your face with locks of hair and do your best to breathe. That’s right—channel an angsty Kristen Stewart or black and white Johnny Depp poster, circa 1993, and fake sleep behind your ‘do till noon. Your new mate will think your bedhead is sexy. Everyone wins.
- If the bathroom seems out of reach, test your breath on their pet. Quietly snap your fingers on your side of the bed. When Rocco lumbers in, breathe into his face, nice and long like an old dragon. If he doesn’t wince, you’re in the ballpark of reasonable.
- Do not neglect your body. Ladies, that means scanning and plucking out a stray nipple hair or rogue pube that grew over night. Fellas, that means emptying lint out of your belly button, checking for stains in the boxers and, if need be, casually biting off your hideous toe nail.
- Plant a juicy booger on their sleeping face and call them out on it. “Ew, ew, look at you!” The best defense is always a strong offense. Or realize real life isn’t a two-dimensional Photoshopped world and that our “imperfections” make us even more whole. Reaffirm what your granny told you long ago — that you’re simply beautiful inside and out.
And, turns out burying my face in that pillow wasn’t the way to go. My girlfriend was falling in love with all of me; she kissed my zit, I popped her blackhead and two years later she became my wife.