8 Suggestions For Jon Gosselin’s First Book

I’m sorry to burden you with bad news just a few hours after you return to the office from the three-day weekend, but alas … Jon Gosselin is writing a book. The tome will be called A Slice of Life: Jon Gosselin’s Story, and it’ll be co-written by Jon’s life coach, Sylvia Lafair. “The book is about having eight kids all at once when he was under the age of 30,” explains Lafair. “It includes some of the lessons that Jon has been learning with helpful hints on how he is working to reframe his relationship with his family including his two brothers and his mother. It also explores how the death of his father affected him.”Jon has apparently been working with Lafair for a year now, but he’s gotten serious in the past five months. “I think sometimes people have to get to their worst place to find out what they need in order to climb out of it,” says Lafair. “This past year has been like that for Jon… Watching him is like a vaccination that’s taking effect. I hear it in his voice. He has a more thoughtful way of stopping and asking questions.” [Radar]

Wow, this book sounds like a total snoozefest. Here are eight suggestions to help Jon liven things up and create a book people will actually buy.

  1. Make the cover a scratch n’ sniff photo of his new back tattoo.
  2. Include a chapter discussing—in depth—his marital indiscretions and all the locations in his house where he boffed skanky ladies. Particular emphasis on the kids’ rooms.
  3. Maybe this could be a fashion bible? Called All Ed Hardy, All The Time.
  4. Or wait, he could make the book a 200-page letter to Kate asking her to take him back. That could be a good gimmick for telling his tale.
  5. Ditch the concept altogether and make the tome a pick-up manual, a la “The Game.” Hey, it’s hard to ignore the fact that, despite the ick factor, Jon does have some skills with the ladies.
  6. Come up with a new title. Might we suggest How To Lose Friends and Alienate People? Oh, wait, Toby Young beat him to it.
  7. In the introduction to the book, reveal the existence of a Gosselin sex tape.
  8. Sadly, I bet there’d actually be some interest in a parenting guide for dads written by Jon. It could tackle such topics as how to tell eight kids you won’t be living in the same house as them anymore.

What do you think Jon should write for his first book?