Happy 4th of July weekend, bubbelehs! I know you’ve probably got BBQs, drinking, and fireworks to attend to, but after all that hot summer fun partying, you’ll probably need a rest. And where better to chill that sunburn than in a dark and chilly movie theater? This week, the “Twilight” saga continues with “Eclipse.” Also, there’s some 3-D fun with “Despicable Me” and “The Last Airbender,” whore house drama in “Love Ranch,” and a sperm-donor-and-lesbian-couple reunion in “The Kids Are All Right.” So, when all the punch and pigs-in-a-blanket have run out, hit up your local cinema for some recuperation.
The Movie: “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”
The Trailer: Bella (Kristen Stewart) is forced to decide whether she will marry Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and become a vampire or go for Jacob, the mostly topless Quileute Indian werewolf (Taylor Lautner). Meanwhile, a new crew of vampires has popped up, that angry blood-thirsty redhead is back for revenge, and the vampire royalty is pissed.
The Hitch: You knew before you watched the trailer whether you were going to see the next “Twilight” installment. As much as I tried to resist the vampire craze, there is just something sordidly fun about the whole thing. I’m not sure that I can handle much more of the whining and abstaining and sexual tension, so hopefully something actually happens this time. And by something, I mean sex. But they’re probably holding out for the last movie for that, huh?
The Movie: “The Last Airbender”
The Trailer: M. Night Shyamalan’s latest movie is a high-concept, martial-arts fantasy, based on an animated Nickelodeon series about people who can control the elements. Aang (Noah Ringer) is supposedly the only person on earth who has the ability to control all the elements at once, while others can manipulate one element at a time. He is also “the Avatar,” i.e., the only one who can save mankind.
The Hitch: I don’t care much for the saving mankind schtick, but the special effects look super cool. And I hate special effects. It helps that they’re also available in 3-D. I’m also thrilled that “Slumdog Millionaire”‘s Dev Patel gets to play the villain.
The Movie: “The Kids Are All Right”
The Trailer: Nic (Annette Bening) and Jules (Julianne Moore) are married and raising two teenagers. Their daughter Joni (Mia Wasikowska) is about to leave for college and their son Laser (Josh Hutcherson) is about to be without his comrade. The two decide to track down the biological dad who donated the sperm to make their kids. They find Paul (Mark Ruffalo), who’s a laid-back restaurateur.
The Hitch: This looks totally fantastic and manages to offer an unconventional family without tip-toeing around it or making it a big deal. Mark Ruffalo looks hotter than ever with the extra scruff and motorcycle between his capable thighs. Cough. And Annette Bening and Julianne Moore couldn’t have been better cast as the loving lesbian couple.
The Movie: “Despicable Me”
The Trailer: Gru (Steve Carell) is a villainous spoiled brat who plans on stealing the moon and adopts three little girls only because they might be helpful in his evil deeds. Gru’s got mother issues thanks to his withholding matriarch (Julie Andrews) and he’s also got some evil competition (Jason Segel).
The Hitch: I’m legitimately impressed by Carell’s voice work as Gru. And it helps when the evil character is somehow made endearing because of his childhood psychological issues. Of course, he will inevitably warm up to the adorable ruffians he’s adopted. If you saw “Avatar,” you’ve probably already seen this trailer in remarkable 3-D magic, so you maybe already know how cool this movie looks on the big screen.
The Movie: “Love Ranch”
The Trailer: A self-assured, tough-broad madam (Helen Mirren) and her sleazy hustler-husband (Joe Pesci) run the first legal brothel outside of Reno in 1976. Her husband takes on a boxer named Oscar Bonavena (Sergio Peris-Mencheta), hoping to make a buck off of him, but it looks like Oscar’s got eyes for the married madam.
The Hitch: I don’t even care that this movie’s getting mediocre reviews. The fact that Helen Mirren gets to lay down some country sass and looks beautiful doing so is reason enough for me to tune in. I’m not sure about this Sergio character, but if he’s hot enough for Helen, then there must be more to him than meets the eye. Plus, Joe Pesci is just so good at playing unlikable characters, and who doesn’t want some whore house history?