22 Ways To Stop Your Biological Clock

Yesterday, I admitted to having a bad case of baby fever. But what I failed to mention is I’m single, broke as a joke, and heck, I can barely clean up after my own puking, crying, and screaming! There’s just no way I can have an adorable bundle of 50 percent me, 50 percent someone adorable. I’ve gotta hit snooze on my biological clock. So, I’ve been thinking up some diversion therapy. Here are my suggestions for some pill-free birth control …

  1. Watch a video of a live birth—bonus points if it’s your own.
  2. Eat dinner at Chuck E. Cheese. If the pizza doesn’t get you on the way in, it’ll get you on the way out for sure!
  3. Substitute teach for a day.
  4. Set your alarm one night to ring every hour on the hour, just like a crying baby. Get up every time and do a push-up.
  5. Ask your boyfriend to take out the trash. Yeah, imagine if that trash were a poo-poo diaper.
  6. Read this list about giving birth.
  7. Carry around an egg in a basket for a week. Hey, it worked on “Degrassi.”
  8. Volunteer your clown services for a kid’s birthday party or carnival.
  9. Abstain from sex and booze for a month. Good friggin’ luck!
  10. Babysit some brats. The brattier the better.
  11. Try a pickle ice cream sundae.
  12. Try to have a conversation with some mothers in a park for five minutes about anything but their kids or parenting.
  13. Finally get your ideal beach body.
  14. Tell a friend’s kid or relative that they can ask you anything they want.
  15. Better yet, tell them you’ll do whatever they want for a whole day.
  16. Have a big, drunken party. This plan is a two-fold winner: A) You’ll remember how fun it is to be a free adult and B) you’ll have the sobering experience of picking up a house full of someone else’s crap, and maybe even puke. Ick.
  17. Offer to take a carpool route for a week then ask your boss if you can get off every day at 4 p.m. for pick-up.
  18. Sit through an entire dance recital.
  19. Look at the price of college tuition. Then, look at your bank account.
  20. Let your parents stay with you for a week. When you have kids, supposedly, it’s a relief to have them there. Ha!
  21. When you want to kill time at work, restrict yourself to surfing mom blogs. (After reading The Frisky first, of course!)
  22. Google “episiotomy.”
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