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11 Wedding Gift Ideas For Joe Francis Of “Girls Gone Wild”

“Girls Gone Wild”‘s Joe Francis is getting … married? When we heard the news this morning, we didn’t know if we were still drunk from last night, or hell had frozen over, or what. But yes: Christina McLarty, an entertainment reporter for CBS, is going to marry that bastard. Actually, the couple will have a domestic partnership, not a marriage. Why? Because Joe Francis has so many scruples, you see! “We have chosen to have a civil domestic partnership because we don’t believe it’s appropriate to be married until our gay and lesbian friends are afforded the same rights as us to legally marry in the United States,” Francis told gossip column Page Six. Uh, OK.

The flesh vendor proposed to McLarty while vacationing in St. Tropez and they will wed with 200 guests in September at Casa Aramara, his beachfront estate in Punta Mita, Mexico. Weirdness of weirdness, his neighbor Quincy Jones will be the best man. So, a September wedding! Very nice. That gives up plenty of time to think up some appropriate wedding gifts for a sweetie like Joe Francis …

  1. Someone to do his taxes right this time.
  2. One of those stress relief balls, so he doesn’t attack reporters anymore when he gets upset.
  3. A copy of Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, by Ariel Levy.
  4. A patched-up friendship with Eliot Spitzer’s ex-call girl, Ashley Dupré, who claims Francis filmed her for “Girls Gone Wild” when she was still underage and tried to sue him for $10 million.
  5. A GPS tracking chip, in case he gets abducted again.
  6. Lifetime supply of Coors Light, or whatever it is freshman girls drink these days.
  7. Keys to the Playboy Mansion because, let’s be honest, Hef is going to kick the bucket eventually and Francis is the heir apparent to all that sleaze.
  8. A boob mug, in case McLarty makes him quit his perving.
  9. Lots of DVDs for Christina McLarty to watch in case he’s thrown in the clink again.
  10. An ID scanner so he can make sure future girls in his videos are actually 18.
  11. A vasectomy.
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