Al Gore Issues Denial, While The Mystery Masseuse Comes Forward

It’s been a week since the National Enquirer ran a story saying that Al Gore had forced “unwanted sexual contact” on a masseuse in a Portland hotel room in 2006, and subjected us to the gorey (ha!) details of the alleged incident. Now that the Portland police has decided to reopen the investigation, the Gore camp has finally issued a statement. “Further investigation into this matter will only benefit Mr. Gore,” said a family spokesperson. “The Gores cannot comment on every defamatory, misleading and inaccurate story generated by tabloids. Mr. Gore unequivocally and emphatically denied this accusation when he first learned of its existence three years ago. He stands by that denial.” Meanwhile, the masseuse who reported the incident is upping her ante, allowing the National Enquirer to release her name and photograph for a second cover story. The masseuse’s name is Molly Hagerty, and she is a 54-year-old redhead. She claims to have a hotel surveillance video and DNA evidence to back up her story. “Al Gore is a pervert and sexual predator,” she said.”He’s not what people think he is—he’s a sick man!”

This remains pretty much the strangest story ever.