10 Online Dating Profile Dealbreakers I’m Sick Of Encountering

This should come as a shock to absolutely no one — I am back on the online dating wagon! After trying and failing to find love on the internet, oh, three (wait, four?) times in the last year or so, I’m dipping my toes into the waters once more, only this time, I’ve switched sites. (And I’m not telling you which — a gal needs a little privacy.) There’s a whole new batch of hotties and notties with profiles to peruse, yet many of the dudes are making the same mistakes I have seen time and time again. Here are 10 online dating profile faux pas that I am sick to death of seeing.

  1. Your profile picture should not suggest you share the same gene pool as Jeffrey Dahmer. Look, not everyone is photogenic. But certainly you have something better in your photo archives that doesn’t make you look like my worst nightmare, standing at the end of a dark alley, crowbar in hand. A rape-y, menacing glare is not sexy — it’s scary.
  2. That said, your photo shouldn’t look like modern art. I will take an in-focus rape-y profile pic over one where you’re blurry, your face it covered, or it’s just a body shot. I like to veto dudes based on something tangible, not just terrible photography skills.
  3. Don’t be a pretentious pop culture snot. You know what my response is to dudes who make a point of saying, “Points lost for women who can name multiple reality TV shows”? Have fun killing your television alone for the rest of your life, loser!
  4. Don’t bother to tell me you’re “not crazy.” If you have to say it, it’s obviously either not true or you’ve been told multiple times that you are crazy and you’re really insecure about it. Talk about it with your therapist — next!
  5. Keep your loneliness to yourself. I’ve been there, dude. Being lonely is tough. However, do not advertise how hard up you are for entertainment and companionship — it’s pathetic. Cry on your pet rock’s shoulder instead, yeah?
  6. Keep the booze on the shelf and out of your username. I like to spend my Sundays going to brunch and riding my bike, not waiting for dudes named JackDaniels24_7 or CaptainMorganFTW to get out of their AA meetings.
  7. Leave the “no drama” to Mary J. Blige. If a dude actually needs to specify that he doesn’t want “drama,” chances are good that he attracts it from every direction.
  8. Stop obviously lying about your age. If you actually look 32 when you’re really 45, you may actually pull the wool over my eyes. But if you have more gray hair than my grandpa and your smile is evidence of 1950’s dentistry, you are fooling no one.
  9. Keep your white preferences to yourself. I’ve noticed a startling amount of white dudes specifying that they want a white woman. Now, I may be white, but I have no interest in dudes who actually see the color of my skin as a bonus.
  10. Put your hat on straight. I just came across a profile of a perfectly handsome gentleman, who has his baseball cap cocked to the side in a completely not ironic way — not that that would make it OK.