I had tried all different kinds of birth control pills to help control my period pains over the course of three years, but nothing worked. There was still no relief from terrible cramps and heavy blood flow. My doctor suggested I try the NuvaRing, the once-a-month birth control device that is inserted into your vagina and secretes hormones for three weeks. Supposedly, the NuvaRing sits far enough inside of you that a man shouldn’t feel it or find it, but I can report that isn’t always the case.It was Thanksgiving break and I had been talking to a guy who was a couple years older than me. Tall, dark, and handsome, green eyes, and a body to drool over. I’m talking about washboard abs that would make laundry day an occasion worth celebrating. Not only was he absolutely gorgeous to look at, he had a great personality with a big heart. We’d known each other for years — we went to camp, high school, and then college together — but had never been anything more than friends. I always had a little crush on him, but by no means did I ever think I’d ever have a chance. Until that Thanksgiving break, when I arrived home and he invited me over to hang out.
As I was driving to his apartment, I thought about what we would do. Was he interested in me? Were we actually going to hang out or was this his way of saying I was old enough to actually hang out? Whatever it was, I was going to his apartment and I was excited. I arrived, nervous with clammy hands, parked my car, and when I got upstairs he was hanging out on his couch drinking a whiskey on the rocks after a “really long day of work.” (I realized recent graduates are usually working really hard at the bottom of the food chain, but they love to brag about it. “Just wait until the real world, it’s exhausting,” he said to me, as he sipped his whiskey. “I’d do anything to go back to college.” This is every graduate’s favorite line.) Shortly after sitting down next to him on the couch, his arm was around me.
My childhood dream was coming true — my long-time crush was making a move on me! The arm around the shoulder led to me straddling him on the couch. Ten years of sexual tension was being unleashed and it was hotter than anything I ever expected. But this situation was best handled on a big bed.
The bed looked like one from a magazine. The beautiful headboard and all white linens with a big fluffy down comforter were perfectly made up as if transported from the Pottery Barn catalog. It was the kind you want to just take off your clothes, lie down, and roll around in. It was the perfect bed for sex and we made good use of it. I left his apartment that night with absolutely no intention of seeing him again, but we spoke the next day and said we would see each other the next time I was home. At the end of my week-long vacation, I went back to school.
A couple months went by and then I was back at home for winter break. We made plans to hang out again; I figured this time could only be more normal — after all, we had already slept together. That night, we watched TV and talked about life — work for him, college for me — and then, just like that, we began making out. He picked me up and threw me down onto the other side of the couch. After a few more minutes of making out and taking off articles of clothing, he went to place his hand under my underwear and then inside of me. That is when I had the most embarrassing moment of my entire life.
He pulled his hand away faster than anything I’ve ever seen, looked at me, and yelped, “What is that inside of you?!” I turned bright red, hysterically laughing, and when I say laughing I mean laughing so hard I couldn’t speak, breathe, and my eyes were tearing uncontrollably. I covered my face, squeezed my legs together, and laughed right in his face. He said, “This isn’t funny! What is that!” I was trying to breathe so I could explain, and he impatiently started asking questions. “What is that inside of you? What is it that I just felt? There is something inside of you right? What is it!?”
After about three minutes of hysteria, I answered, “I am so embarrassed, I don’t now how to say this, it’s … a NuvaRing.” He looked at me, puzzled. I explained that I totally forgotten that it was there and I should have warned him about it or simply taken it out, since we would have used a condom anyway. (The NuvaRing can be removed for short periods of time, but isn’t recommended.) I wasn’t expecting things to get so hot and heavy, at least not so quickly. What was I supposed to say, “Hey, wait excuse me, I need to take my NuvaRing out before you can go in?” I didn’t know what would have been more awkward … so there it was, my childhood crush found my NuvaRing … inside of me.
Needless to say, we never hooked up again. I am not sure whether it was simply the fact that we didn’t have much more than sexual chemistry, I was still in college and three years younger than him, or if it was the NuvaRing that did it. Either way, I kissed the NuvaRing goodbye after that night. I went back to trying different birth control pills, and finally found one that works. Thank goodness.