Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Vienna Cheated And Jake’s A Monster? Britney’s Lesbian Crush On Her Therapist?

It’s been a funny week in Tabloid town now that The Frisky has officially joined the gossip game. Just a few hours after I inadvertently outed Vienna Girardi for her flirting with another dude this weekend, she and Jake announced their breakup. (Dear Gregory Michael, I’m sorry I blew your cover, I had no idea that you were actually hooking up with Vienna!) Now I realize I’ve done the opposite of what I wanted and put Vienna back in the tabloids. As punishment, I have to write about her again because it’s the main story in nearly every tabloid this week. Boo. After the jump, enjoy our roundup of this week’s totally maybe true tabloid news! xoxo, Gossip Girl

  • While Jake thought things were hunky dory, Vienna was packing her things. She told Star, “When he gets back, I’ll be gone. And all he’ll see is a letter I wrote to him, with his engagement ring on top.” She flew home yesterday. According to Vienna, she and Jake got it on in the first month of their engagement, but Jake abruptly decided he needed to cleanse himself of sex. Even on Valentine’s Day when Vienna made a romantic gesture, “He kind of just pushed the rose petals off the covers and rolled over and went to sleep. I started crying.” Vienna says Jake only kisses her for the cameras. He also forced Vienna to send her dog Chloe to live with her parents, claiming it was too loud and shed too much, but then Chloe suffered separation anxiety and had to be hospitalized. When she looked to Jake for comfort, he said, “Oh, I’m sooo sorry your dog is so spoiled.” She also says the whole engagement was a sham, and when she asked Jake about planning the wedding, he said, “I’ve never thought that I’m not going to marry you.” She closes saying, “I hate that I have to play it all out in public, but I want people to know what he’s really like. I want people to know what I’ve been through, that I’m not the crazy villain… I want the happy Vienna back.”
  • Levi Johnston’s little sister, Mercede, told Star that he is back together with Bristol Palin. “They are definitely a couple again and sleeping together. Bristol called and told him, ‘Let’s put everything behind us, let’s forget about the past.'” Mercede says that Sarah Palin doesn’t know yet, but she’s “going to flip.” Mercede also thinks the reunion is a trick and that Bristol is trying to convince Levi to not fight for custody of Tripp. “I’ll bet she drops Levi again after the hearing that’s scheduled this fall, after she gets what she wants… Of course, there is a small chance that they will actually fall back in love and get married, but something is just not right here—I don’t think that will happen. They never really talked out their issues, and I think Levi is just going to get hurt again.” More importantly, Tripp is one truly awesome looking baby.
  • Angelina Jolie apparently has her eye on a 3-year-old Somali girl. Apparently, she wants to name her Lucy. “Angie instantly fell in love. This girl was so tiny and sick. Angie held her for a while and just started to cry. The girl’s mother had been shot and killed right after she was born,” a source said. The adoption is supposedly almost a “done deal” and Angelina has been sending donations to make sure the orphanage survives. An insider says that while Brad Pitt and Angie considered adopting a child from New Orleans or Haiti, they want another child from Africa. While Brad was initially resistant to adding another child to their already large family, the source says that the couple has bonded together “to cut through the red tape” since “adopting from Somalia is difficult, and they’ve hit lots of brick walls.” [Star]

  • OK! is still determined to put a baby inside Jennifer Aniston. Today there’s a sneak peak at an interview that won’t appear until the fall in an unnamed women’s magazine. A source says, “Jennifer says in the interview that she will do everything in her power to have a baby ‘as soon as possible’ and she says she is ready for that now.” The source adds that Jen doesn’t get into specifics, but it’s more like a “public service announcement that she is emotionally ready for children.” Apparently, the broodiness has sprung from recent roles where Jen has been playing a mother. The magazine suggests that her new fling, Jason Sudeikis, or her recent co-star, Gerard Butler, would both make good fathers.
  • Apparently, despite the fact they’re still secretive about their alleged relationship, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are “Ready to Wed.” A friend says, “I can totally see them doing it… They’ll go away for a long weekend and then, when they come back, Rob will refer to Kristen as his wife, and she’ll be all giggly and blushing.” If the couple did marry, their friends say Kristen would want to elope. “A big wedding would be her worst nightmare… She’s like an anti-bride.” But Kristen has been talking about the sanctity of marriage lately and their friends say they want to spend the rest of their lives together.
  • Meanwhile, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are said to be expecting another baby! The couple has been looking happier than ever, a source says, “having a baby has connected them to something much bigger… It has added this passionate, erotic element to their marriage.” Kate’s been hitting up the Scientology center for baby-making preparations and recently let it slip that she’d really like a baby boy. Suri is excited, and alternatively asks her parents for a little sister or a little brother because she’s under the adorable impression that there’s a choice. Dad always just says, “We’ll see what we can do.” [OK!]

  • Us Weekly got Jake’s side of the story, claiming, “Vienna cheated!” They say that Vienna and Gregory were kissing each other all day, which is weird, because I was there and didn’t see that, and saying to each other, “I’m a smitten kitten.” Gross. Unlike the other tabloids, which claim the couple was broken up already, Us says that Vienna cheated on Pavelka with Gregory and Jake didn’t know until Sunday night when they had an angry phone conversation and she hung up on him … and Gregory was in the apartment the couple shared. Vienna allegedly told Jake she was moving home to Florida. Another source says she was making out with Gregory the night before, after meeting at an event and that it was “love at first sight.” Gregory says he has a “fond affinity” for her. Pavelka’s still in Georgia, shooting his part on “Drop Dead Diva,” but he was overheard on set saying, “She showed her true colors.”
  • Meanwhile, Ali Fedotowsky has already lost the weight she was being harassed about a couple weeks ago. A friend says, “It upset her that everyone thought she was a heifer.” To drop the pounds, Ali cut out cocktails and fatty foods. Her friend says it was easy once filming ended. It hasn’t come out who Ali picked on “The Bachelorette,” so it’s unclear where Ali will end up, but another friend says, “She likes L.A. because it’s a fun and different environment, but she just doesn’t like how everybody there cares about looks so much.”
  • It’s been nearly a month since the tabloids insisted that Prince William will finally propose to his girlfriend of seven years, Kate Middleton, and still no dice. There were rumors that there was a pregnancy scare or an elopement, which the palace denies. Kate has had to sacrifice her career in fashion for William—she works at her parent’s party supply business because “her relatives wouldn’t leak secrets.” She’s also had to turn down traveling and parties, cause pictures and rumors got out. And while “Waity Katie” is patient, her mother is anxious for William to “make an honest woman” out of his daughter. [Us Weekly]

  • The actual magazine has more details on Al Gore allegedly sexually assaulting a massage therapist in 2006. The sketchy premise includes not a police report, but a “Confidential Special Reports” which names a “Mr. Stone aka Gore, Al” since that’s the fake name Gore used to check in to the hotel. Gore was accused of propelling a “dangerous substance” (which could include blood, feces, urine or semen) at a person without consent. The masseuse is seeking $1 million in civil court and filed the report with Portland police after the bill for her two massages hadn’t been fully paid. She kept insisting that she had “time-honored experience of discretion and delicacy in attending to many VIP clients.” Apparently, Al has a “daily massage and [Tipper] was always jealous of the therapists.”
  • We never see Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds together, but apparently that became a sore subject when ScarJo won a Tony Award. After the win, she gave her co-star Liev Schreiber a “big wet kiss on national TV” and started going to the stage before turning around and giving Ryan a peck. Then in her speech, she said, “To my Canadian, whom I live with. Ryan, thank you for becoming a theater widower for me.” A source says, “That kiss to Liev was the ultimate insult. Scarlett celebrated her win as if Ryan was invisible… It made Ryan sick.”
  • Apparently, Britney Spears developed a crush on her female therapist, who, upon realizing that their sessions were “sexually arousing” Britney, was forced to cut off contact. A source says, “She thought the doctor was interested in her also, because the shrink’s approach to Britney was so different from other doctors. Britney mistook the doctor’s patience and kindness for flirtation.” The source alleges that Britney demanded more appointments, her cell number, and even called using different names—trying to make more appointments. Her dad Jamie disabled her cell from making outgoing calls and Britney thought he should be happy she was into a “successful woman” who wouldn’t take her money. Her erratic behavior has been blamed on the fact that Britney hasn’t been taking her medication, instead throwing it out of car windows. Now the conservatorship has been “extended indefinitely.” [The National Enquirer]

  • Jake Pavelka talked to People about the breakup with Vienna, saying, “On my part now, there are some trust issues” including the fact that she sold a story of their troubled relationship to a tabloid (see Star, above). Jake denies that the relationship was flawed, claiming “if I had to do it all over again, I would make the same decision over and over. I don’t regret what I did.” A major issue, though, was jealousy that Jake was getting opportunities to be on television while Vienna wasn’t. Jake says reports of Vienna hooking up with Gregory Michael didn’t cause the breakup “but it’s a factor.” (Eek!) He said, “I’m so mad at her that she would use this as a little publicity stunt. I don’t know if she realized I was proud to stand by her side.” Gregory Michael’s rep commented, “They just met, they definitely had chemistry, but Vienna assured him things with Jake had been over for a while… He’s not a home wrecker, and he’s not stupid. He wouldn’t be in public with her if she were engaged. They’re seeing where things go.”
  • As you’ve already heard, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart finally tied the knot. They got married in Santa Fe (my hometown!), Calista wore a white sundress and Harrison wore Wrangler jeans. All their friends and Ford’s adult children piped in to say how happy they were for the obviously in-love couple. They celebrated their “honeymoon” at La Casa Sena where the waiters sing show tunes. A friend says, “There’s a basic honesty and no pretensions… They live their lives as they see fit.”
  • Anthony Bourdain must have the cutest 3-year-old daughter ever. The potty-mouthed chef says he doesn’t want his daughter following in his footsteps, “Aside from her dating a chef, the last thing I’d like to see happen is her entering the culinary industry,” he said. But her playroom is covered in plastic chef paraphernalia nonetheless because, “I’m a ‘spoil the s**t out of her’ kind of dad.” This season of “No Reservations” will include more of Bourdain’s family. “When you know all the lyrics to ‘Dora the Explorer’ and you go with your daughter to dance class, any notions that you are a ‘bad boy’ are completely ridiculous… Besides, everyone’s expecting me to be snarky and mean. Why not do a cuddly family show?” [People]