Dear Wendy: “No Sex And No Porn. Am I Asking Too Much?

For my own reasons — brought about through a mix of morality and contemplation about my mental and emotional needs — I’ve decided to save myself for marriage. I’m still young with plenty of time to explore relationships. I don’t expect the man I’m with to be a virgin, however, I do expect him to wait for me while we’re dating. I also don’t want my boyfriend to watch porn. It’s something I’ve put a lot of thought into, done a lot of research on, and have very strong opinions about. I have absolutely no problem with masturbation, though. Is it fair to ask a man to both not have sex with you and not watch porn? I’ve talked with my male friends, and they say it’s ridiculous. They say very few men will wait for sex, and an even smaller minority won’t indulge in porn. They say the ones who don’t are usually emotionally, mentally, or sexually stunted in some way. I know I would be very hurt and, at least on some level, unhappy if I couldn’t have both of these things in a man, but I’ve begun to wonder if it’s even possible. — Moral High Road

It’s absolutely fair to have certain morals or philosophies and want a partner who has similar views — or at least respects yours enough to behave accordingly. What’s not fair is thinking you can change someone or expecting someone to behave a certain way simply because it’s what you want. If you’re going to have limiting views, you have to accept you’re limiting your own pool of men from which to choose. That doesn’t mean that the men you have to choose from are going to be emotionally, mentally, or sexually stunted though. Would you describe yourself that way? It’s very possible that a guy could have similar morals as you and arrived at them in the same way you did. If you’re serious about finding those guys, I’d stick to places, social groups, and events where the kinds of views you have are embraced and skip the places where they aren’t.

I’m back home for the summer between my junior and senior year in college. In the last few months of the semester, I was unhappy, and all I could think about was coming home and hanging out with my two best friends. However, it’s only a month and a half into vacation, and already, all I can think about is going back to school. I’ve never felt like this before, but I feel a lot of it has to do with my two best (and pretty much only) friends. This summer, they both moved out of their parents’ house, and both have demanding jobs, leaving little time to hang out. On top of that, I live in Las Vegas, the veritable adult playground and, while I don’t turn 21 until November, my two friends both turn 21 this month, and have said they have plans to go out and party — plans that exclude me, seeing as they are going to 21+ places. Since they work during the day and want to go clubbing during the night, I don’t see much of either of them. Added to that is the fact that I don’t have a car, so I can’t really go anywhere, nor get a job of my own, unless someone comes to pick me up, or I wait until my brother gets home with the car. Also, recently, I got the feeling that my two BFFs are never the ones to contact me. I’m always the one texting, asking if they want to hang out, which I feel is unfair, seeing as I’m putting all the effort in, and they know my (lack of a) schedule, and choose not to contact me. What should I do? — Best Friends For Nevermore?

Dude, you need to get some new friends. Your BFFs are sending you the message loud and clear: they’ve dropped the first B and the last F in their name, and it might not be long before the middle F disappears, too. Try not to take it personally, though; things change, people move on. You’ve been away at school for the last few years and they’ve been doing their own thing, spending time together without you. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever hang out — but I wouldn’t count on them to “be there” for you like you were expecting. Plus, it’s time for you to take responsibility for your own happiness. Find something to keep yourself occupied during the day. If you can’t drive because you don’t have a car, get a bike and find a part-time job or volunteer position within biking distance. Join a meet-up group or a book club or sports team or anything that sounds remotely interesting to you where you might meet like-minded people you can make friends with. And when you get back to school, make a decision to make your senior year a great one. A change in attitude will go a long, long way in attracting new people to your life, and right now, it sounds like you could use that.

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