On Sunday, per the suggestion for Day 14, I made eyes at a random little girl, which, yes, reminded me how great it was to be young. Do you ever feel like as you mature into adulthood, you are just becoming more and more like the person you already were when you were 5 and had older male imaginary friends named Diaper Clip and Cheese Spreader? It also was like a drop-kick to my ovaries, which have been in overdrive ever since my friends started getting engaged en masse and I was forced to see “Babies.” Literally, I’m at four engagements so far this summer, and the solstice was just this week. But anyway, on Monday (Day 15), I embraced the modern 26-year-old me and planned a lady party. Well, really a lady reunion of my best friends from college.In the last four years, some of these women have drifted out of my life, but they are all great. Since they haven’t agreed to offer up their personal for public dissection, I won’t use their names, but let’s just say the group of them will have you in hysterics with a glass of wine in your hands within 10 minutes of meeting them. We all got into so much trouble in school, from starting a faux sorority at a liberal arts college, where nothing could be viewed with more disdain, to almost running Howard Dean over with a car at March For Women’s Lives in Washington in order to get a photo with him. (The resulting photo shows us, arms clasped around Dean, as we all hold onto melting ice cream just before my friend not-so-politely asked him: “What happened?” and then made a screaming noise. Dean was not amused.) I won’t bore you with the details of the party—let’s just say it will be in upstate NY and will have lots of organic steak, plenty of booze, and a pool.
Instead, I’m going to share my breakup track list that I fully plan to play (which, in all honesty, I have been listening to daily anyways). The songs don’t actually blend; it’s more like a random shuffle of bitch, heartbreak, anger, desire, pissed off, and moving on. Those are genres, right? Anyway, if this group of music had a smell it would be vodka lemonade and high-school locker room during everyone’s synchronized time of the month.
Without further ado, here are my 10 breakup songs:
Abba, “Knowing Me, Knowing You”: This is one is a little weird because it exists in the gray area of music we listened to together, but it’s also so damn perfect for how I’m feeling. Not only does it let me imagine that the post-breakup period will be full of tubes filled with fluttering balloons and dance parties; it reminds me that breaking up is the best I can do.
Beyoncé, “Why Don’t You Love Me?”: I play this whenever I’m sitting, asking myself, “But why doesn’t he love me?” The thing about Beyoncé, though, is that she can make even desperation look sexy. I can only hope to make it look sorta cute, on a good day. Maybe I just need more bodysuits, martinis, and dripping mascara?
The Vaselines, “You Think You’re a Man”: Besides loving the Vaselines, any song where the chorus includes the telling phrase, “You weren’t man enough to satisfy me,” is perfect to dance to in your kitchen as you create a list of all his failings and dream of future men who are more than toys.
Lily Allen, “Smile”: Sure, it’s obvious, and it reinforces all stereotypes about what girls are like when they are dumped. But then again, so do I right now and this song literally makes me smile.
Yoko Ono, “Death Of Samantha”: The perfect “keep cool and carry on” song. This is the anthem that I play to myself before I go out to parties, where there is even a slight chance I might bump into him and have to keep it cool.
Alanis Morissette, “You Oughta Know”: OK, so this is kinda the opposite of how I actually want to act when I interact with my ex. But I have to admit even the subtlest rumors that my ex is seeing someone else makes me want to screech this song with the same amount of force I did in 5th grade, before I even knew what it felt like to have someone say they’d stay with you till you die and then they walk away from you—still alive.
No Doubt, “Don’t Speak”: This is sorta like a relapse song. But whatever. Sometimes I kinda feel like relapsing in a nostalgic-but-we’ll-never-date-again way.
Shop Assistants, “I Don’t Want To Be Friends With You”: OK, so this isn’t totally true. But for the next two months, when he and I will not be talking to each other (thanks to your recommendations!), it’s a good sentiment to remind myself of. Especially because every time I do see him, I am reminded of how much I really really really want to be his friend.
Rihanna, “Hard”: I feel like this song is a total breakup anthem. Every time I listen to it I remember that I’m a lot stronger than I look and that I’m not going to waste my time crying. Oh, and that I really love guns and body suits. Actually, not so much on the last two.
Paul McCartney, “Temporary Secretary”: This may seem super random, but I love the idea of a Temporary Secretary to get my life in order. Preferably one who is young, hot, has strong arms, and wants to build me things as well as organize my bills. Sorta like a replacement boyfriend, but one who gets you organized instead of pregnant. Any takers?
This month Maude is road-testing our new book, The Frisky 30-Day Breakup Guide, written by Jamie Beckman, documenting her experience along the way. For more information on the book (including where to get your own copy!), click here!