Our Jessica offered up her list of top 10 “WTF Was I Thinking?” clothing purchases, and now it’s my turn. While Jessica may have found her fashion troubles while looting dead old ladies’ houses, my most atrocious fashion crimes were committed across the country. If you can handle the harrowing horrors of red snakeskin vinyl and silver sequin cowboy hats, read on …1. The aforementioned red snakeskin vinyl pants. I think I bought them at a Ross somewhere in Pennsylvania. I recall I thought they were a real steal at, like, $20. They were skin tight, toxic cheap, and, the best part, floods.
2. A pink rhinestone pendant on a chain that spelled out “c**t.” Just boggling that not only did I buy this, I wore it. In fact, I think I wore it somewhat frequently. If the necklace fits, you must wear it.
3. A lacy white top with a high, ruffled collar and an embroidered vest attached to it with a matching skirt. I was a kid. A kid with no taste. I thought this was really fancy. I was, like, 12, went to a party, and some boys laughed at me. This explains a lot, frankly. I think I wore it with brown sandals and knee high white socks. Jeez.
4. A rust orange coat with a brown fur hood. It looked like someone threw up on me. I wore it for years.
5. A pair of fire engine red, thigh-high stripper boots with seven-inch platform heels. I wore these once. The other times I wore them, I didn’t leave the house. If you know what I mean. This is a fashion crime for which I deserve to be incarcerated.
6. A full-length pale yellow dress with yellow roses around the collar. I wore this to a wedding. During the reception, I went out onto the country club’s golf course, grabbed a flag, and ran around with it. Probably best not to invite me to your wedding.
7. Green and white striped pajamas with feet. One year, I rocked this as a Halloween costume. I coupled it with giant green glasses, green sneakers, and a green hat with a pom-pom on top. I told people I was an “alien.”
8. A navy blue T-shirt that read “F*** Me I’m Famous.” Why didn’t someone stop me? Does no one care?
9. A black top with chains for straps. Nothing says, “Take me home tonight and don’t call me the next day,” like a shirt with armor built into it. Secret: I still have it.
10. A silver sequined cowboy hat that I paired with zebra pants and a black T-shirt with a silver Playboy bunny head on it. Here’s the kicker. I was actually on TV when I wore that. That’s why I wore it. For a TV appearance. I am sad.