10 Big Swimsuit Faux Pas

We love summer as much as the next group of bikini-clad girls, but there are a few things that make us fear the beach every year. Swimsuits that look more like dental floss, for example. Those things are terrifying. I don’t need to see your entire rear and 9/10 of your chesticles, lady, so why must you force me to check out the girls? Avoid these 10 swimsuit faux pas and revel in the glory of not eye-assaulting your fellow beach goers.

  1. Don’t take the beach so seriously, please.

    “I get really bored when women wear those Olympic-style swimsuits. It’s an effing beach and there are cocktails, so stop trying to pretend you’re going to swim the English Channel.” — Annika

  2. That thong, th-th-th-thong, thong, is just wrong.

    “I think we can all agree that thongs are bad news bears.” — Amelia

  3. Ill-fitting bottoms are no one’s friend.

    “If you have any meat at your hips, and most of us do, having adjustable ties on the side are key. Sometimes women, in an effort to avoid muffin top, get a size too large on the bottom, so while they may not have side pooch, they have a big ol’ saggy diaper ass and that looks terrible.” — Amelia

  4. The pasties some girls call triangle tops aren’t fooling anyone. If you’re that desperate to be full-on naked, just man up and go topless, okay?
  5. Stop being so self-conscious, it’s not cute.

    “I really detest seeing women wearing a bathing suit under a T-shirt and shorts. If you’re not comfortable with your body, then why come to the water?” — Annika

  6. Unsupportive tops make us ill.

    “If you need some support up top, get it.” — Susannah

  7. You’re too old and too cool for ridiculous prints.

    “Frankly, I think big polka dots on anyone over the age of, say, 10 is kind of stupid looking.” — Wendy

  8. Approach monokinis with caution, please.

    “I hate hate HATE these cut-out swimsuits. No matter how toned your body is, you look like you just escaped the jaws of a Great White.” — Jessica

  9. Bikini bling is totally unnecessary. If you’ve got a rhinestone-encrusted medallion chilling between your boobs at the beach, seriously consider the path you’re taking in life.
  10. Tame that bush, girl.

    “I don’t like a bikini with no matching wax or trimming. If you want a full bush, that’s your private biz, but don’t wear a high-cut bikini you’re barely tucking that fuzz into…” — Simcha