Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Prince William’s Fiance Preggers? Kate Gosselin’s New Man?

I don’t know what has gotten into Tinseltown, but this week’s tabloids are super hit-or-miss. And I think it’s safe to blame Brad Pitt’s beard, or lack thereof. The theme of this week’s cheat sheet is forgiveness—the cheaters are begging at their ex-wives’ doorsteps Also, lots of pre-marital sex is still going on and everyone’s stressed about their bikini bodies. So that you don’t have to sift through the filler, we’ve got the good stuff right here for you. Enjoy!

  • OK! starts out with the misleading cover lines with “A New Man For Kate!” Which really just meant that Kate Gosselin is ready to move on, a year after her divorce from Jon. Apparently, Kate went on a date with a local football coach in December and has now resorted to dating sites like JDate and eHarmony. A source says that Kate is also working on her control issues but “she’s having a really hard time being a single mom and finds dating ‘absolutely terrifying.'” Wait, did they say JDate?
  • Tiger Woods tried to win Elin back with a kiss. According to a source, “She hasn’t let him touch her in several weeks but he moved in to kiss her and she let him. He asked if [a divorce] is what she really wanted. She said ‘yes.'” Diss! Elin reportedly told Tiger that she didn’t feel a thing from the kiss and doesn’t love him anymore, though she wished she did. Elin’s friend says that after the settlement is over, she wouldn’t be surprised if Elin started dating again, but she plans on keeping away from athletes. Elin has been taking classes and working on her clothing line in the meantime.
  • OK! is reporting that Jennifer Aniston’s new man is “Saturday Night Live” comic Jason Sudeikis, which would be pretty adorable. The pair met on the set of “30 Rock,” where Sudeikis plays Tina Fey’s recurring love interest. There were no “instant sparks,” but “they did spend a long time cracking really sarcastic jokes.” Jen’s rep denies the relationship, but Sudeikis reportedly visited Jen in Los Angeles, taking her out on dates. And Jen has been gushing about his “wicked dry wit” and knowledge of current events because “she’s missed being with an intellectual.” [OK!]

  • Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are back on the cover of Us Weekly to tell us “Why She’ll Break His Heart.” Apparently, the two are living in domestic bliss in a two-story guest house “at the end of a long driveway hidden in a wooded area of L.A.” But while Pattinson wants to pop the question, Kristen’s friends caution that the actress is “totally into him—for right now.” Multiple sources agree that Robert is “obsessed” with Kristen, but she wants to keep the relationship under wraps. A “Twilight” source says that their frequent mood swings and power struggles affect the entire cast, but they’re both super excited to spend six months filming the “Breaking Dawn” finale, starting in October.
  • In more boob job accusations, Us Weekly says that Kate Gosselin got hers enhanced on March 30th, and her bodyguard Steve Neild not only drove her to the plastic surgeon, but also helped her pick out the new pair. “Kate was going to have one kind of breast augmentation, but she changed her mind after talking to Steve about what would look best.” When asked about the surgery, Kate said “Plastic surgery? Please. Who has time to even think about it, let alone do it?” But the tabloid insists that multiple sources have confirmed the surgery took place.
  • “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” cast member Dina Manzo talked to Us about why she’s leaving the show after multiple blow-outs with Danielle Staub. Manzo explained her decision, “I would say 99.9 percent is because of Danielle, but the other .1 percent was drama created by her.” One benefit from the show is that Dina got closer to her husband because “I appreciated his sanity so much more.” Dina went on to say some other amazing things, like “I don’t care what she or what anyone thinks. I needed to do what I did for my happiness and sanity. If that means running away from that b*tch, I’m putting on my running shoes right now!” [Us Weekly]

  • What I like about the National Enquirer is that they’re not afraid to work to get a story. If Whitney Houston is hanging out at an amusement park, eating for two hours, they’re going to stick around to take pictures. The tabloid alleges that Whitney is nearly 200 lbs, and managed to consume about 4,000 calories at Copenhagen’s Tivoli Gardens. A source says, “She went at it like someone competing in a food-eating contest.” The editorial features several photos of Whitney, including one of the singer with ice cream dripping down her face. Still, this seems like the least of Whitney’s problems. An insider says, “Just a few months ago, her loved ones were worried about her abusing drugs, but now they’re worried about her runaway appetite and exploding waistline!”
  • Sources say that Sandra Bullock has put her $250 million divorce from Jesse James on hold because she’s thinking about taking the cheater back. A friend says, “I think she has forgiven Jesse and she is missing the life they built together, particularly now that she has Louis.” And in Jesse’s “Nightline” interview, he said, “I still have hopes of saving some sort of relationship with Sandy.” A random body language expert says, “Sandra would be beyond a fool if she takes Jesse back. She would lose a lot of respect in many women’s eyes.” Despite the risks, a source says, “she can’t stop thinking about a future when all of them could be one big happy family again.”
  • Sarah Palin’s going to be pissed, because apparently, her daughter Bristol has been having her ex-boyfriend, Levi Johnston, over to her townhouse for some late-night loving. And the National Enquirer found out before Sarah. An insider says, “Sarah is so proud of Bristol and the way her daughter has turned her life around and how it fits into the family values that Sarah is constantly preaching.” An insider says Levi has stayed over multiple nights in a row and his red pickup truck has been parked next to Bristol’s for a while now. [The National Enquirer]

  • Jennifer Love Hewitt made it into People’s “50 Most Amazing Bodies,” despite briefly struggling with her weight. The actress said she could eat whatever she wanted and used to drink six Cokes a day until she was 28 years old and those things showed up on her body. The struggle to lose the weight wasn’t easy though. She says, “I’ve gotten on the treadmill with a scoop of ice cream. I was like, ‘At least I’m working out.'” After working with a trainer and cutting out the constant junk food, she says, “I enjoy junk food more because I’m not eating it all the time. I’m trying to feel more confident in general. I’m a work in progress.”
  • People brought together a slew of random actresses and TV correspondents, including Lisa Rinna, Nikki Blonsky and Whitney Port, to talk about body image. Rinna talks about how she finally admitted to plastic surgery, “I was open and honest last year. I had something done to my lips 24 years ago. … I never spoke about it, but once I called out the pink elephant in the room, I took a tremendous beating.” All the women admit to being terrified of being photographed in a swimsuit and Whitney Port admitted to eating 1,000 calories a day to stay thin.
  • “Dancing With The Stars” pros Cheryl Burke and Maksim Chmerkovskiy got together to re-create some iconic moments from dance movie history, including dances from “Dirty Dancing,” “Flashdance,” “Footloose” and “Grease.” Burke says she stays in shape with Jazzercise DVDs but she’s not super strict about it and lets her wardrobe tell her when she needs to get back to it. Chmerkovskiy says that criticism encouraged him to try harder. “People said, ‘You’re too slow, too heavy, too awkward. I’m bigger than most dancers. But saying ‘you can’t do this’ motivated me.” [People]

  • Just when we’d gotten all excited about the royal wedding, it appears that Prince William’s bride-to-be, Kate Middleton, is allegedly pregnant. A source says, “William was up at his military base in North Wales when Kate called him. She was sobbing so hard, she could barely get the words out. She told him that despite their precautions, she is pregnant.” William drove to see her and after a two-hour conversation, they told Prince Charles who held a meeting with his senior advisors at Buckingham Palace. A palace insider says that they’ve put the wedding on hold until they figure out what they’re going to do, but for now they will say that William is “finishing his helicopter training.” Dun dun dun.
  • Star is speculating that January Jones and Bobby Flay might be more than just friends, after Jones reached out to Flay after her recent hit-and-run. The night after the crash, Flay and Jones went to Gordon Ramsay’s Boxwood Cafe. An eyewitness says, “They were sitting side by side at the bar, very close, drinking together. I definitely didn’t take them to have recently met, like Bobby is claiming. They seemed to know each other very well.” The rest of the article was spent describing what a cad the Food Network star is, including an account of one woman who said he tried to pull her behind a curtain. “I don’t know if he wanted to hook up in a back room or what, but it was gross.” [Star]