10 Rules For “Entourage: The Movie,” So It Doesn’t Suck Like “SATC 2″

The seventh season of “Entourage” hasn’t even started yet, and executive producer Mark Wahlberg (yes, that Mark Wahlberg) already has us worried about “Entourage: The Movie.” Recently, Wahlberg said, “I am more focused on making that movie than my own films. I just think we can make a great movie. … We just have to end strong, and this season is, by far, the best season. … We’re going to have six episodes next year and end with a bang and then in the trailer you see [Ari Gold and his associate Lloyd] waking up in bed together in Vegas not knowing what happened.” [MTV]

That’s all well and good, but we don’t want to see seven seasons go up in flames with a craptastic movie, a la “Sex and the City 2.” So we’ve got 10 rules that Mark and the crew should keep in mind.

  1. Don’t Go For An Easy Happy Ending. Vincent Chase is not meant to succeed—the best thing about the show is how realistic his struggles are to become a successful actor. Just like Carrie probably shouldn’t have lived “happily ever after,” Vince and the gang shouldn’t walk into the sunset with Oscars. His hardship and amazing ability to mess up every opportunity are the only things that make his douche-baggery forgivable.
  2. Don’t Overdo It On Celebrity Cameos. It was more than slightly tragic to make Liza Minnelli carry the first half hour of “SATC2.” If they’re not part of the show, they should play their part and step out quietly—not perform a rousing song and dance number to “Single Ladies,” or whatever the macho translation of that might be. “Entourage” typically features one guest star per episode, so for a movie, they’re going to try to stack them up. Show some restraint, guys.
  3. No Weddings. Vanity Fair is also troubled about “Entourage: The Movie” and made an important point—that ending (or beginning) a movie with a wedding is a cop-out, especially for characters who are commitment-phobic. Vinny once said, “I don’t want to be anyone’s first, and I don’t want to be anyone’s last.” And we could care less how cute E and Sloan are together, if they must be married, do it on the show and not in the movie. And the rest of these man-boys shouldn’t change just because there needs to be a plot twist. [Vanity Fair]
  4. Don’t Make A Sequel. “Sex and the City” got greedy when they saw the womenfolk lining up in droves, so they slapped together a sequel full of glitz and star power and jumped the shark. This is an opportunity to tie the series together into a satisfying “last romp”—not the time to start a new franchise. This needs to be the final chapter of the story. Wrap it up in one movie, please.
  5. No Change of Scenery. Vanity Fair also axed a “gang hits the road” plot line, and we heartily agree. These are struggling Hollywood dudes. We want to see them schmoozing at hot clubs and lunching at the Chateau Marmont; it’s as much about the city as it is about the guys. I don’t care how much the United Arab Emirates wants to pay you to make this movie into one giant commercial — don’t even think about it!
  6. Bring Back Our Favorite Characters. The best part of “SATC 2″ was that Aidan came back and made us question everything we believed in Carrie’s (and our own) love life. Therefore, you have our permission to bring back Jamie Lynn Sigler. Now that Turtle’s slimmed down and presumably her film in New Zealand has wrapped, she might want an extra go at him.
  7. Don’t Remake “The Hangover.” Uh, that waking up in Vegas idea sounds awfully familiar …
  8. Don’t Pad The Plot With Lame One-Liners. Going from 30 minutes to 90 isn’t going to be easy, but if there’s nothing nice to say, don’t fill in the run time with cheesy one-liners and bad puns. If there isn’t enough material to fill an entire movie, then skip it, or blow some stuff up. Even that would be better than bad writing. No camel toe or labia jokes either, please.
  9. No Excessive Costume Changes. Just because it’s a movie doesn’t mean the guys should suddenly have a million suits.
  10. Don’t Make It Political. If the show is about kinda skeezy dudes in Hollywood, it should remain so in the movie. There’s no need to make a dramatic political statement about race relations in the South or territory disputes in the Balkans. We’re looking for entertainment and if we don’t come out of the theater thinking about how we should be changing the world, that is perfectly fine. We don’t need it to be tied up in a pretty bow, with a gift card detailing what moral lessons we should have learned. Keep it real. And keep it unclassy.