Recapping “True Blood” Via The 6 Best Quotes From Last Night’s Episode

Last night was the season three premiere of “True Blood” and damn, was it awesome. How I have missed watching trashy, soft-core vampire porn on Sunday nights! After the jump, a recap via the episode’s best quotes. There is also a picture of Eric’s OTHER side, if you know what I mean.

“Conscience off, dick on.”

– Andy Bellefleur to Jason Stackhouse, who’s responsible for shooting Tara’s boyfriend Eggs, though Andy took the blame. Andy wanted Jason to behave as usual — i.e., go out there and get some tail — so that no one suspects anything is up with their story.

“Every time I look at you, I just keep seeing these big old bullet holes in your heads.”

– Jason to the two random chicks he picked up for a threesome in an attempt to be “conscience off, dick on,” but unfortunately his performance is limp on account of the fact that he can’t stop thinking about shooting Eggs.

“I’m sorry that you fell in love with a serial killer, but who the hell hasn’t.”

– Arlene to Tara, who is annoyingly devastated by Eggs’ death. Arlene, of course, was engaged to Rene, who was the serial killer in season one. Tara is pissed at Arlene for not being super sad about Eggs death, but who can blame her? Eggs was controlled by Mary Ann into killing a bunch of people last season, so Bon Temps residents can hardly be expected to be big fans.

“I don’t have time for your lesbian weirdness right now.”

-- Sookie Stackhouse to Pam, who seems to have a bit of a crush. Pam is now going to be a regular character on the show, which is great news to Annika, who wants to steal her entire wardrobe. Oh, and the reason why Sookie doesn’t have time for Pam’s flirting is because Bill has been kidnapped.

“I am not a hooker. That was a long time ago.”

– Pam to Lafayette, who called her one of his favorite terms of endearment when she showed up at Merlotte’s to tell him he needed to move all of the V he has ASAP. Remember, Eric and the Queen are in cahoots selling V — that’s vampire blood — but the vampire Magistrate is getting suspicious.

“I hear the water in Arkansas is very hard.”

– Bill Compton to Sam Merlotte, during Sam’s super homoerotic naked dream sequence. See, last season Bill saved Sam with his blood, which means Sam has a total boner for Bill, whether he likes it or not, so now he’s having sexy dreams about him. Sam, by the way, isn’t in Bon Temps for the time being, as he’s on a mission to find his real shapeshifting parents. Speaking of shapeshifters, we’re getting werewolves this season and none of that CGI crap that it’s in the “Twilight” movies.

What else? Jessica is freaking out over that truck driver she killed in last season’s finale episode, while Hoyt is hoping the two of them can work things out. Sookie needs Eric’s help to find Bill, who managed to escape his kidnappers and is now being tracked by the aforementioned werewolves. The only other thing you need to know about last night’s awesome season premiere of “True Blood.” See below.