10 Mistakes You Shouldn’t Make On A First Date (That I May Have Made In My Life)

You’re going on a date. You get dressed, you head out the door, you walk into the joint. He’s not bad. Heck, he’s even cute. Everything is going great. But then you say something, or do something, from which there is no returning. Oops. You made a tragic first date mistake. Don’t you hate it when that happens? I know I do. If you want to know the top 10 things you should never, ever do on a first date, that I, myself, may, I repeat, may, have done at some point in my life, read on. 1. Tell Him You’re Crazy. Sure, it may be true, but do you really need to lead with that? We thinks not. And we know from personal experience. So, no.

2. Drink Too Much. Getting plowed makes you feel good, but you know what it isn’t? Pretty. You will regret it in the morning. Or whenever you remember what happened.

3. Act Like You Want To Crawl Under the Table. This date isn’t going well. You want to crawl under the table. Do you have to make that clear? Hiding your true feelings requires effort, but there is probably something to be said for manners.

4. Go Blind. Before agreeing to go, you must see the guy, meet the guy, talk on the phone to the guy. Something. A true blind date may lead you to become blind from the trauma.

5. Have Sex. Sometimes this is fine. Mostly, we have found, it is not. Girls have this thing called feelings, and they have a tendency to crop up, even if you don’t even really like the dude. We’re weird like that. Just say no until, like, the third date, or whenever your girlfriends say it’s OK.

6. Throw Up. Never a good look.

7. Fall in Love. This is alright once in your life, but you really don’t want to make a habit out of this sort of thing. Grandma said she didn’t even like Grandpa when they got married. That was a long time ago.

8. Order Anything With Noodles. Especially if you are wearing white. Or not good with utensils. Or have a tendency towards slurping.

9. Reach For The Check Just To Be Polite. Not everyone agrees with me on this. To you, I say, go ahead, reach away. Payers.

10. Cry. It makes all of us look bad.