Lindsay Lohan’s Self-Tanner Made Me Look Like The Bloody Chick From “Psycho”

This may come as a surprise to you, but I was first hired at The Frisky as a beauty and style blogger. (This, of course, was before we realized my true calling was brainwashing the masses with my cuh-razy radicalism.) Back when I was a beauty gal, a company called Sevin Nyne sent me a bottle of Lindsay Lohan’s Tanning Mist, made of caramel, goji berry and chardonnay extracts and promising a buttery, Lohan-like glow.

My pale ass was so excited. Naturally, I called my best friend, Christiane, and we scheduled a hot date to “Lo-tan.” But because half the notions I have in my brain are never seen through, we didn’t get around to it. Christiane and I dreamed about Lo-tanning for more than a year while she moved to Germany and back. But finally, this weekend Christiane braved the wilds of New Jersey for a “Lo-tanning” extravaganza. I stripped down to my undies … and emerged from the bathroom minutes later looking like that woman who gets stabbed in the shower in “Psycho.”

See my tragic photos of how Sevin Nyne Tanning Mist looked on my skin after the jump.

The tanning mist didn’t so much “spray” as it did “clump” and “drip like dried blood.”

Yup, this looks terrible.

Aaaaaand the nozzle on the spray bottle broke! Here’s Christiane jiggering the nozzle with a little cocktail umbrella. We finally had to de-clog it with a sewing needle.

Eventually, we said, “screw this,” tossed the tanning mist under the sink, and went out for iced coffee instead. The only good thing I have to say about “Lo-tanning” is my legs smelled pretty and my skin felt soft after I washed it all off.

Sorry, Lindsay, but it’s a good thing I got my Sevin Nyne Tanning Mist gratis, because I’d be hella pissy if I spent $35 on a can of that crap. []