I know you’ve got a lot on your plate these days, but there are some serious movies coming out this week and you need a vacation from your life! You’ve been hearing about “Sex and the City 2” for months and months now and regardless of my feelings, a good number of women and gay men are making the pilgrimage to their local movie theaters to see it. But there’s also “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time,” the gory “George A. Romero’s Survival of the Dead,” the fight to save Ancient Rome from Christianity in “Agora,” and Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s newest film “Micmacs.”
The Movie: “Sex and the City 2″
The Trailer: You know the drill, Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) and Big (Chris Noth) are in a slump. Miranda (Cyntha Nixon) is happy (for once). Charlotte (Kristin Davis) is freaking out about the kids. And Samantha (Kim Cattrall) is slutty again. They all go to Abu Dhabi where Carrie runs into Aidan (John Corbett) and maybe cheats on Big. Muslim culture combined with sexually liberated women causes tension and hilarity. And there’s a big gay wedding. Not necessarily in that order.
The Hitch: I have to admit that I already saw the sequel and as an honest person, I’ll also admit that I hated it. I feel like it’s OK for me to say that because no one who wants to see the movie will care at all and those who don’t will already know what I mean. But I did want to see the movie, and now I’ve been scarred. I recommend reading my girl Lindy West’s review for the things I would have written if I were just going for it. And even though it was a disappointment, it’s still always nice to remember that romance does exist, so go drag your girls away from their stoopid boyfriends and gorge on some popcorn. Popcorn definitely helps.
The Movie: “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time”
The Trailer: In sixth-century Persia, a devious nobleman really wants the Sands of Time, which is a gift from the gods that allows its possessor to turn back time. And it’s a sword. If he can own it, he can rule the world and enslave everyone. And the only person capable of stopping him is this dreamy prince (Jake Gyllenhaal) and so, with his crush, princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton), he tries to stop this powerful sword from falling into the wrong hands.
The Hitch: It’s so weird to me that this is adapted from the Ubisoft video game, probably because unlike video game movies before it, I never played this one. I was wondering how Persian people feel about Gyllenhaal playing their prince, but I guess since it’s all made up, it’s irrelevant?
The Movie: “George A. Romero’s Survival of the Dead”
The Trailer: Some rogue soldier/zombie killers try to run from the zombie apocalypse by hiding out on Plum Island. But two pissed-off, warring families, the Muldoons and the O’Flynns, live there. The O’Flynns are perfectly happy to kill all the zombies, but the Muldoons don’t want to kill their family-turned-zombies, instead hoarding them until scientists can find a cure. The soldiers are all, WTF, these guys are loonier than the zombies!
The Hitch: Be warned: the trailer is pretty graphic, which is to be expected from Romero. Gotta love the accents and one of those soldiers is super hot. But unless I find a zombie-loving boyfriend who needs to see this, I think I’ll be perfectly content stock-piling chili for our real-life zombie apocalypse. Just in case.
The Movie: “Agora”
The Trailer: Hypatia of Alexandria (Rachel Weisz) is an astronomer who’s skeptical of the rise of Christianity in Roman Egypt. Meanwhile, her slave Davus (Max Minghella) is torn between his secret love for Hypatia and his freedom, which the Christian movement offers him. Hypatia organizes a group of disciples to save the books and wisdom of the Ancient World, and one of the disciples is the witty Orestes (Oscar Isaac), who competes with Davus for Hypatia’s love.
The Hitch: I love watching Rachel Weisz do just about anything; her face is so expressive and she makes everything that comes out of her mouth sound true and more interesting. It’s also really exciting for a movie to take place in Ancient Rome that not only mentions a woman but concentrates on her intelligence. It seems like most of the movies set in this era have involved lots of warring topless men. But to be fair, there might have been some of that in reality.
The Movie: “Micmacs”
The Trailer: In post-9/11 Europe, arms dealers have taken to the streets in violent skirmishes: Bazil (Dany Boon) is a video store clerk who lost his father to an accident with a roadside bomb and now steps out of the store to be hit in the head by a stray bullet. He wakes up in the hospital, broke and unemployed and soon thereafter runs into Placard (Jean-Pierre Marielle), an ex-con who lives in a scrap dump with a bunch of gypsy-type characters who welcome Bazil to their lair. Bazil helps them make a home from the scrap yard and the group agrees to help Bazil exact his revenge on the munitions manufacturers who ruined his life.
The Hitch: Jean-Pierre Jeunet (“Amelie,” “The City of Lost Children,” “Delicatessen”) is my favorite director ever and I could not be more excited about this movie. The way he paints the world is so much more brilliant and beautiful than it actually is. If I had an opportunity to see life through a Jean-Pierre Jeanet lens, I would take it in a second.