Dear Wendy: “I Want Sex More Than My Much Older Boyfriend”
It’s time again for “Shortcuts,” wherein I answer readers’ letters in two sentences or less. Sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss differing libidos in a May-December romance, intruding exes, and waiting for the “L” word.
I’m dating a wonderful man I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life with. Prior to this man I have had a whopping two relationships so I’m not terribly experienced. Anyhow, I’ve found that I am much more sexually keen with him than I was with the other two men. Unfortunately for me, he is not in the mood nearly as often as I am. I feel that we have reversed roles and he is the girl fending off the over-zealous boy in the bedroom. I often pine for the early days when we had sex, on average, three times a day and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Granted, I don’t expect this after two years but I can’t help but think that he’s not as attracted to me anymore. There is also the fact that he’s 17 years older than I am. I will be turning 25 shortly and he will be 42 not long after. Is this really a big factor in the situation? It certainly isn’t an issue that fractures the relationship or my feelings for him, but I’m just wondering if this is normal. — Over-Zealous
Yes, OZ, it’s totally normal for two people who love each other to have different libidos — especially if those two people are 17 years apart — and it’s certainly normal for the frequency of sex to wane after a couple years without it meaning one person has lost attraction to the other. If it’s not an issue that affects your relationship or your feelings for your boyfriend, find ways to release your sexual tension on your own when your boyfriend isn’t in the mood to get frisky.
I was with my live-in boyfriend for a few years when he broke up with me. He told me he wasn’t happy and he doesn’t love me anymore, even though the week before he supposedly was happy and in love. It was rough the first couple of days but then things slowly got better. Anyway, I’ve recently started talking to a man quite a few years my senior. He’s a great guy, very respectful, and hot! All of a sudden though my ex starts texting me for no reason and is asking me if I want to hang out. He wonders if I’m seeing anyone yet and has gone as far as to ask to have sex. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Tell my ex no and pursue other options or still see my ex and possibly fall into this pit where I’m an emotional wreck again with the possibility of ruining what could be? — Torn
It sounds like your ex sniffed out your interest in someone new and wants to get you back if for no other reason — well, besides an easy hook-up, let’s be honest — to feel like the alpha dog. What I’m wondering is why in the world you’d even give him the time of day if he once broke your heart and you’ve moved on with someone who seems like a great catch.
I’m in my early twenties and have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for nearly four months now. He recently flew across the country to visit me, and I’m planning to visit him when he starts his new job on the east coast. Our relationship is really great; being with him is so easy, there is no stress, and we’re able to communicate effortlessly and frequently despite the barriers of several states and two time zones. Everything is great, but we haven’t said “I love you,” yet. Is this a normal waiting period for my first post-college relationship? I feel so silly even thinking about it; it’s still really early and it’s probably nothing, but I have very strong feelings for him and I’m sure he wouldn’t fly out to see me if he didn’t feel the same way, so what’s the holdup? Maybe he’s waiting for me to say it first? Call me old-fashioned, but I would feel very out of place doing that. I can wait longer, I’m not in any hurry, but I’d just hate for it to accidentally pop out of my mouth and catch him by surprise. He’s a great man and a wonderful boyfriend, but in a while I may have a hard time keeping myself from dropping obnoxious hints or commandeering the conversations to force it out of him, and I really want to avoid the desperate crazy-girl nonsense this time. — Bated Breath
If it makes you feel any better, when my now-husband and I were dating long-distance, it took him eight months to say the “L” word. Like I did, you should enjoy the newness of your relationship and rest-assured no man would continue flying across the country to visit someone he didn’t have intense feelings for. He’ll tell you he loves you in good time and if it happens to pop out of your mouth first and catches you both by surprise, I highly doubt he’s going to run for the hills or the world is going to end. (OK, that was three sentences, but you get the drift).