Dear Wendy: “I’m Afraid I’m Going To Cheat On My Boyfriend”
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 10 months, and we love each other so much. Lately though, another man, Mr. X, has been appearing in my dreams, and when I wake up I just can’t stop fantasizing and thinking about him. Would this be considered as cheating on my boyfriend? Mr. X is my sister-in-law’s brother, and he is just so gorgeous (and also single). That part of the family lives in another country, and I will actually be visiting soon (without my boyfriend) for a family wedding, and will no doubt be spending time with this hottie. I’m scared that I might do something that I will regret, and hurt both myself and my boyfriend. What should I do? Do I tell my boyfriend what’s been on my mind? — Dreamer
My husband and I have a deal that sexy dreams with other people ought to be enjoyed and we shouldn’t feel guilty about them. It can be hard enough to resist temptation in our waking lives that we deserve a little harmless mischief in our dream/fantasy worlds. That said, Dreamer, there’s a big difference between acting out within the safety of your dreams and acting out in reality. You haven’t done anything wrong yet and if you want to continue dating your boyfriend whom you say you “love so much,” then don’t do something you know will screw it up. I’ve never understood people who say “I’m worried I’m going to do X (no pun intended),” when out of all the things we don’t have control over, our own personal free will is one of the few things we do have control over. If you don’t want to cheat on your boyfriend with Mr. X and ruin a great relationship, THEN DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH MR. X!
If you honestly feel like being in this guy’s presence will be too much temptation for you to handle, you have some choices: consider not going to the wedding; invite your boyfriend to come with you; avoid being alone with Mr. X if you do go alone; avoid drinking too much (or at all) since alcohol lowers inhibitions. And for God’s sake, don’t tell your boyfriend what’s been on your mind. How would you feel if he confessed to you: “Hey, you know that vacation I’m taking without you to another country in a little bit? Well, there’s going to be this really hot chick there who I’ve been having intense dreams about and can’t stop fantasizing about when I’m awake. I hope I don’t do anything with her I’ll regret!” No good can come from that conversation.
I recently became engaged (!!!) and I’m in the early stages of planning our wedding. After college I moved to Ohio from central New York and I now live with my fiancé in a house in the ‘burbs where he grew up. Back in NY there is a beautiful historic inn at which I used to work where I would love to get married, but my fiancé loves Ohio and it would be easier for his family and most friends if we got married here. Now I’m beginning to have doubts about going to the trouble and expense of throwing the wedding I’ve always wanted at all. In addition to the challenge of picking a location, I’m a much more reserved and quiet person with far fewer friends than my fiancé. If I invite 10 friends, and then only three show up, I think I’ll feel embarrassed and left out if my fiancé has 20+. Additionally, I’m afraid people will wonder why I even wanted to go back to NY and have a fairly expensive wedding (instead of cheaper one in Ohio) when I barely have any friends to enjoy it with. I don’t want to be feeling like this on my wedding day where I assume I will already be quite emotional. Any suggestions to help me deal with these feelings? — Anxious Bride
The wonderful thing about weddings that you don’t read much about in bridal magazines and on wedding websites is that the day itself bursts with so much love and joy and contentment that all these little things you spend months planning and worrying about just don’t matter all that much. If you’re marrying the person of your dreams and you’re surround by the people you love most — regardless of how many are “yours” and how many are “his,” all you’re going to feel is support coming at you from every direction. And all anyone else is going to be thinking about is how lovely and happy you look and what a special occasion it is. And if they aren’t thinking that? If they’re honestly busier counting how many friends are on your side versus your fiancé’s, that’s really their problem and just sad for them.
Worry about what’s going to make the day most special for you and your fiancé. If it’s having your wedding at the inn in New York, have it there. If, after you discuss it, it’s having a wedding in Ohio where more loved ones are able to make it, have it there. In the end, it’s really not the where that’s so important; it’s the who. As long as you and your fiancé are both there and surrounded by the people you want to be surrounded by, the day will be amazing wherever you decide to celebrate it.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.