Dear Wendy: “Is Cybersex Cheating?”

I have been married for two years and am blissfully happy. Recently I went off the Pill because it was affecting my sex drive and since then it’s been so high that I can’t seem to stop thinking about sex for more than a few minutes. I have to admit that it feels great and I am having orgasms more frequently and easily. My husband is elated by this, but unfortunately he has a job that takes him away a lot — like about three times a month for several days at a time. He’s gone right now for two more days and I have been climbing the walls with frustration; yesterday I had the day off and I masturbated for several hours, having about 15 to 20 orgasms. Then I did something bad. I went on a website and found another guy who was like me, and we have been sending each other dirty emails for a couple days. It has been just the release I need, really hot but not actually doing anything wrong. But then I stopped and wondered if that was true. On one hand I feel guilty that I am finding such pleasure and excitement through someone else, and on the other hand this is just a fantasy to keep me from losing it while my husband’s away, so what’s the harm? Is it really wrong? Should I tell him? Should I stop? I don’t know what to do! — Horny and Alone

I’ll get to your question in a minute, but first I have to say: 15-20 orgasms in one day?! Holy what?! I’d ask if that’s even possible, but I think I probably saw some talk show once where a doctor said that it is, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and just say: wow. I mean, WOW. Now, as for your question, you basically answered it yourself when you said, “I did something wrong.” Look, you know what you did is shady. Sure, not every couple is monogamous and there’s certainly a gray area when it comes to cheating, but after being married for two years, you should have a clear understanding of what constitutes cheating within your own relationship. It’s simple: if you know it’s something that would hurt your husband, don’t do it! And certainly don’t tell him what you did! That only serves to alleviate your guilt and does nothing to foster trust between you. Imagine how your husband would feel leaving on business trips three times a month if he knew the last time he went away you had cybersex for two days straight with some random stranger? Don’t do that to him.

What I want to know is if you were going to reach out to someone long distance for some sexy release, why didn’t you just reach out to your husband? Just because he was away doesn’t mean you couldn’t exchange some dirty emails, frisky texts, and maybe a little phone sex. If anything, I’d think that would make things hotter for his return. When you say you went online and found a guy who was “like you,” are you implying that your husband isn’t like you? And what does that mean exactly? That his sex drive isn’t as high? That he’s not as kinky? Or that he wouldn’t dream of cheating on you? The conversation you really need to have with your husband isn’t about your indiscretions but about your perceived differences when it comes to sex and how you can work together to meet your insatiable needs a little better when he’s away. I’d also make an appointment with your doctor to discuss your extremely high sex drive. While I’m hesitant to say it’s a “problem,” it could be the sign of something that isn’t quite right and it’s best to be sure.

For the most of last year, I enjoyed my time with a guy with whom I had a great connection and awesome chemistry. He wasn’t ready to make a commitment, though, and because I felt led on and heartbroken, we didn’t speak or interact for more than six months. Since then, he’s apologized and we’re working on our friendship and seeing if we can be anything more in the future. Recently, though, I’ve started noticing his effeminate characteristics, especially through his postings on sites like Twitter and Facebook. Because he’s always had a lot of women friends, I knew he was in touch with his feminine side but that side seems to be getting louder to me and it makes me wonder if he’s gay. The fact that some of my friends have questioned his sexuality coupled with his fear of commitment to women is alarming me, and I’m wondering if I should ask if he’s gay. I’m afraid he’ll be offended that I’m listening to rumors, but on the other hand I don’t want to fall in love with him only to discover he’s into guys. He is very attracted to me and responds to me physically in intimate moments; I also have no evidence of him ever being interested in a man so it’s possible that I may be panicking. I will accept him as he is … I just want to protect my heart. — Puzzled

Wait, how do you notice someone’s “effeminate characteristics” on Twitter and Facebook? What does that even mean? What does that look like? Is he using a lot of emoticons or something? Does he tweet about watching “Golden Girls” reruns all the time? I’m being serious here. I think I can spot an effeminate characteristic in person, but I’m genuinely curious how that translates to Facebook and Twitter updates. But to get to your issue at hand: girl, you need to check yourself. You’re letting all these outside influences affect you when it should really be about how you feel when you’re with this guy and how he responds to you. If he seems attracted to you, gets turned on when you’re being intimate, and you have “awesome chemistry,” that’s all the answer you really need.

I understand you’ve been hurt by this guy before and you’re nervous about getting hurt again, but questioning his sexuality when you don’t really have any legitimate reason to isn’t going to protect your heart. Besides that, who says he has a fear of committing to women? Just because he wasn’t ready to commit to you doesn’t mean he’s afraid of committing to all women. Furthermore, since when is not wanting to settle down a sign for being gay? Maybe he just wanted to stay available so he could date lots of women instead of just one. And maybe he’s got that out of his system now and he’s actually ready to pursue a committed relationship with you. But you’ll never know for sure if you sabotage what you’ve got with these silly theories.

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