23 Secrets You Shouldn’t Tell Your Girlfriend

Yesterday, we warned the ladies about 19 Secrets You Shouldn’t Tell Your Boyfriend, although we’ll admit to missing two: 1) You can see a bald spot starting; 2) You think his penis is small. Yikes! Anyway, today we’re going to clue you gents in on how to prevent yourselves from saying something equally heinous to your special lady. Isn’t it amazing how one little sentence can shatter a whole relationship into pieces? Well, not anymore, buddy.

  1. You got a lap dance from a stripper.
  2. You can eat a whole pizza by yourself in one sitting.
  3. You think her vajane smells funky.
  4. You think she needs to start hitting the gym.
  5. Her mom drives you crazy.
  6. Your ex-girlfriend was better in bed.
  7. Her tits are saggin’.
  8. You started dating her on a bet.
  9. You use a penis pump.
  10. It’s obvious her boobs are two different sizes.
  11. She reminds you of your mom.
  12. You’ve masturbated with an apple pie.
  13. Those jeans do make her look fat.
  14. You can burp or fart the alphabet.
  15. She feels loose down there.
  16. You bought her an engagement ring and are planning on proposing.
  17. You hate kittens.
  18. Her girlie music sucks.
  19. You’re an ass man (if she’s got no booty). You’re a boob man (if she’s got mosquito bites).
  20. Her new haircut makes her look like a mushroom.
  21. She can’t cook.
  22. She’s hairier than you.
  23. You can suck your own penis.