10 Jobs Eliot Spitzer Would Be Better Suited For Than Hosting A Show On CNN

Yesterday, we addressed the rumor that Eliot Spitzer might replace Campbell Brown on CNN, hosting a “‘Crossfire”-esque debate show. It seems that no one is particularly psyched about this proposition, even Spitzer himself. Right now, Spitzer is working at his father’s real estate company, which isn’t really helping his reputation much. So, we set out to find 10 jobs Eliot Spitzer would be better suited for.

  1. Replace Simon Cowell on “American Idol.” I think it would be really great to see Spitzer interact with Ellen DeGeneres and be forced to judge people on something so far outside of his expertise.
  2. New OxiClean spokesman. Billy Mays has passed on, but he was totally well-loved by housewives across the country, and probably their husbands who appreciated the whiteness of their whites. Spitzer might need some under-the-counter aids to get as jazzed-up as Mays, but at least he would be kept busy for awhile?
  3. Become an environmental advocate. Spitzer expressed interest in doing charity or environmental work to help his reputation. Well, the man is besties with former vice president Al Gore and governor of New Mexico Bill Richardson, so maybe it’s time he got to work on some of our environmental issues instead of building more buildings in Manhattan.
  4. Become Sandy Cohen. Spitzer also told his friends that he might do some pro bono legal work, so maybe he should take in a troubled youth, cultivate some eyebrows, and start some do-gooding, a la the patriarch of “The O.C.”
  5. Save child prostitutes. I know, I know, is it really a good idea to introduce Spitzer to more women of the night? But I think if he were forced to see the state of child prostitution in Asia, he might stop what he famously failed to stop in New York.
  6. Stay-at-home Manservant. Spitzer is still working on his marriage with his wife, Silda. But I think the best way to make things up to Silda would be to hide out in a bungalow somewhere beautiful, showering her with gifts, bringing her breakfast in bed, giving her daily massages, and working on their sex life. Assuming she’s forgiven him in that realm.
  7. Britney Spears’ Personal Assistant. The logic here would be that since he’s apparently attracted to sexual young women, Britney could scare him off of that addiction. She’s a crass, hot mess most of the time, and maybe with Spitzer’s legal advice, she could regain control of her finances from her father?
  8. General community service. I guess since he messed up so much in New York, Spitzer should do some re-beautification in the city. Picking up trash, taking care of orphans, feeding soup to the homeless, helping the newsies, etc. It would be something like the end of “Scrooge.”
  9. Volunteer prostitution. So, it might not be a real job, but wouldn’t it be cool if Spitzer were forced to sleep with people he wasn’t attracted to? Maybe he would understand how disgusting it must feel for his paid lady friends. It wouldn’t exactly be a community service, but I’m sure there are some really desperate people out there?
  10. Become a White House intern. Really, being an intern of any kind is punishment enough, but I would imagine that Spitzer’s political expertise, combined with the humiliation of getting coffee for people who may or may not be dumber than you, should be pretty humbling.