Girl Talk: The iPhone Is Ruining My Long-Distance Relationship!

It didn’t start out this way, but I’m in a long-distance relationship. Having your boyfriend live 1,300 miles away isn’t ideal, but as far as problems in relationships go, things could be much worse: He could be in Australia or he could be into furry sex or I could have caught him cheating on me with various tattooed women after I won an Academy Award and adopted a baby.

So, this isn’t some sappy, romantic article on ways to “Survive Your Long-Distance Relationship.” Here’s the real problem: a third party has entered my relationship, causing fights, miscommunication and anxiety. She’s sleek, sexy and smooth. Her name is … the iPhone 3G.

When your beloved lives a plane ride away, the phone becomes your main source of staying connected, but iPhone—you are making this a challenge … am I just supposed to turn the other cheek because you are an otherwise wonderful multi-media device?

Both my boyfriend and I have an iPhone. For those of you who are owners, you know it is notorious for dropping calls, having terrible reception, and overall, they’re really awesome for playing Plants vs. Zombies and Sudoku, but for actual phone use, my five-pound Motorola from 1997 worked better.

When your beloved lives a plane ride away, the phone becomes your main source of staying connected, but iPhone—you are making this a challenge. Let me list the ways in which you anger me: countless conversations have ended abruptly due to dropped calls; numerous instances where I’ll be expecting his call, only to be notified that there’s a voicemail for a call that never rang; delayed texts that I received hours later from when they were initially sent. iPhone, am I just supposed to turn the other cheek because you are an otherwise wonderful multi-media device?

In all seriousness, these technical difficulties have either caused arguments or added to an already tense moment. For instance, the other day we were having a little argument over GChat, when he all of the sudden logged off—which, in instant messaging terms, is the equivalent of hanging up the phone or getting the door slammed in your face. OH. NO. HE. DIDN’T.

So I was left to huff and puff, muttering to myself words like, “idiot,” “jerkface,” and “asshat.” But apparently, he had logged off to call me, and my phone didn’t even ring. He’s thinking, “What the hell, pick up the phone!” And I’m thinking, Asshat. This goes on for a while, until I get a “voicemail” notification that he called. I tried calling him back, but none of the phone calls would go through. The final blow was when I got a delayed text from him saying: “I tried to call you. Where did you go?” AHHH!

Eventually, we managed to reach each other and everything was totally fine, but if it weren’t for our iPhones, those two hours of anxiety would have never happened. Because so many people have been complaining about the piss-poor service, AT&T has introduced a reception tower to place in your home or office that amps up your reception. Initially, I thought: Yes! A solution! But then the bitterness set in. Let me get this straight: I not only paid $300 for a “superior” phone, I also shell out over $100 a month in fees. Now you want me to fork over another $150 so I can get service? I’m insulted.

I’m still undecided on what to do. I know there is Skype and video chatting, among other sources of technological-aided communication, but I’m stubborn, and I want to be able to call my boyfriend when I want to. It’s a simple request. So, I guess—deep in my heart—I know the solution: I just have to wait for the iPhone 4G to come out. I’m sure that will solve everything.

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