A couple weeks ago, our beloved sex adventurer/Mind Of Man, John DeVore, totally shot a hole right through my dreams of joining the Mile High Club. You see, I’m not a very practical person, especially when it comes to sexual fantasies. So, I’m lucky to have friends like DeVore to eloquently remind me of why trying to do it in one of those cubicles with the “stench of powerful disinfectants, poo smog” and turbulence might be one of those things best left to my imagination, where getting freaky on a plane is just one part hot pilot, one part the video for “Toxic.” But anyway, the point is, he got me thinking there are a slew of porno-esque scenarios that really only work in my mind … and some movies I’ve seen. So, consider yourself warned, after the jump!
- Getting Caught: It’s a bit of exhibitionist fun to do it in a public place. But unless that place is a sex party, you just don’t know who might catch you—your kids, your mom, or a total creepy perv who might just whip it out and try to join in.
- Blowjob While Driving: Cars are sexy, BJs are sexy, but in this case, two positives equal one huge negative. Back when I was in high school, a couple in the area met a sad end on the road when the poor dude rammed into a tree while his girlfriend was going down on him. Can you imagine the police having to explain how they found the bodies to their moms?
- Stickin’ It To Your Man In Court: Who doesn’t love a good fight and the bonus make-up sex? But you should wait until you leave the courtroom before you rip each other’s clothes off. You are surrounded by cameras, cops, and judges, all whose job it is to catch people and punish them—and not in the good way.
- A Romp On Train Tracks Or Lying In The Middle Of The Road: Sure, it looked sexy in “The Notebook,” but anything Ryan Gosling does is magical. If you need to risk your life to feel something, you’re doing it wrong. Aside from getting run over, trying to pull out and get out of the way fast sounds like a sad way to break a penis.
- Prison Sex: In theory, being bent over while holding onto bars seems hot, but in practice it is rape, often anal with no foreplay, no protection, and a high risk of STDs. There is a reason everyone knows not to “drop the soap.”
- Workin’ It At The Office: The most glorious but also the fastest way to get fired, especially if it’s not with your boss. If it is with your boss, well, then that can add a whole other level of screwed to your power struggle. Worse yet, this is the water cooler fodder we all live for and it spreads like wildfire, the kinda wildfire that destroys your rep. Unfortch, especially in this tight job market, you might have to switch careers.
- Sex With A Gay: Yes, wouldn’t it be awesome if you were so sexy you could get someone gay to play for the opposite team? It’s all fun and games until you’re naked and then realize no amount of alcohol will make them pick up what you’re putting down.
- Rape/Kidnap Fantasy: The chances of this going wrong and not feeling as good as you’d hope are way too high.
- Sex On The Beach: A delicious drink, but as far as acting it out, you’re basically agreeing to rub your softest bits on sand paper. Sand just gets everywhere and you can’t get it or yourself off. Rug burn is nothin’ compared to nature’s #1 chafe maker.
- Sex With A Gun Or Knife: You wanna do it like Bonnie and Clyde, but guns and knives are as phallic as they are dangerous. Real weapons don’t belong in play — you could wind up having the bad kind of mind-blowing sex. Get a toy version if you’re gonna mess around.
- Threesome: Man, who doesn’t have this fantasy? But there are a couple downsides to consider before getting busy with a third: 1) your significant other might leave you for the other person and 2) they both might ignore you in the sack — bummer.
- Sex With A Model: Doing someone so hot you are awed by their beauty will only make you feel insecure, while sexy time should be all about being comfortable and relaxed. If you’re over-thinking it, desperately trying to impress them with your skills, what’s in it for you?
Have you ever had a sexual fantasy go horribly wrong? Save us all by sharing in the comments!