Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Watches Porn On MY Computer”

One night I was trying to pay my bills online and as I was typing into the browser a porn site came up. I asked my fiance if he had watched porn on my computer and he denied it. We live alone and porn sites were in the history of my computer, so it was clear he was lying. Two days ago, he left a tab open with another porn site. Again, he denied it was him. We are the only two people who have access to the computer and he continues to deny it was him!! I do not care that he watches porn, as long as it is not on MY computer. I told him to buy or rent movies, but this only brings on arguments where he says I am being crazy and he gets defensive. Is it not okay to ask him to not do things on my computer? What worries me even more is that he lies about it, even when the proof is right there. Websites don’t open themselves up, so why is he not being honest about it?? — Lied-to

I don’t know why he’s not being honest about it. Maybe he thinks he can get away with it. Maybe he wants to get caught. Maybe he likes breaking the rules. Maybe it’s way more convenient to watch a few minutes of free porn online than it is to pay for a rental and he doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to you in the first place. Any of those are possible, but I’m actually kind of curious about your level of honesty here. I guess I’m wondering why, if it’s not a big deal for him to watch porn movies (presumably on your TV, right?), it’s a big deal for him to watch porn on your computer. Is the problem really about where he’s doing the watching or that he’s watching it at all? I suspect that if you truly “didn’t care” that your boyfriend watches porn, it wouldn’t bother you that he watches on your computer. But maybe I’m oversimplifying things here (and I’m sure people will let me know if I am).

Look, I’m not saying you’re wrong to not want your boyfriend watching porn on your computer. It’s your computer after all and you have every right to say how and when and for what it can (or can’t) be used. And obviously your boyfriend is in the wrong for lying to you. But the guy wants to watch porn and you say you don’t care if he does, so if you’re really that intent on making sure he doesn’t watch it on your computer you have a few options here: you can kick him out; you can buy him his own computer; you can kick him out until he buys himself his own computer; or you can rent a few porn flicks, hand them over to him and say, “Look, I genuinely don’t care if you watch these. I’ll even watch them with you if you want. But I don’t want you watching porn on my computer anymore. We’re the only two people who have access to my computer and it’s obvious from looking at the history that someone’s been looking at porn sites and since it isn’t me, it has to be you. I don’t know why you continue lying to me, but if I discover you’ve been porn surfing on my computer again, I won’t ever allow you to use it again.” My guess is he’ll be buying his own computer pretty quickly after you put it that way. The question is: are you really going to be OK with him looking at porn on his own computer?

I’m a 22 year old college student, and I’ve been dating a 25 year old graduate for about six months. I knew within the first month that I was his first official “girlfriend,” and so I expected things to go slowly, and I’m nowhere near ready for anything more than a committed relationship (no engagement, marriage for awhile). That said, I hear him say things about not wanting kids or how marriage is dumb and I wonder whether it’s because he is also nowhere near that period of his life or if that’s really how he will continue to feel. It’s only been six months, I love spending time with him, and I definitely don’t want those things now, but I don’t know if this is red flag for any future potential. How soon is too soon to get into the subject of dealbreakers? — Young One

If you are “nowhere near” wanting marriage and kids now, then being with someone else who doesn’t want those things either isn’t really a dealbreaker. If you were dating with the intention of finding a husband and father for your future children, that would be different. But it sounds like you’re dating for fun, so keep on dating for fun! Things can change so quickly and so drastically at your age, that it’s impossible to try to anticipate how someone in your life today will meet the needs you may or may not have far off in the future. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. A year or two or five years down the line if you’re still together and you’re feeling closer to wanting marriage and kids and he’s still saying those things are dumb, then yes, that would probably be a dealbreaker. But at this point, the only “deal” you should be concerned with is whether you’re having fun with this guy and enjoying his company and getting to know him. The rest will sort itself out when the time is right (which could very well be quite a long while from now).

*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.

Posted Under: , , ,
  • Zergnet: Simply Irresistible

  • HowAboutWe

  • afc-right-ad

  • Popular
  • afc-right-ad-2

  • We’re Loving