Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Hollywood Housekeepers Tell All? Heidi Admits She Made A Mistake?

I don’t know how it’s May already. But I guess that just like in nature, the tabloid’s April showers have brought May flowers. And by flowers, I mean more babies, slightly more upbeat stories, and my favorite story of the day, “Hollywood Housekeepers Tell All.” I guess there’s something about the sunshine and crisp spring air that has made everyone so generous with their pithy quotes and half-naked cover stories. And because I know you’re too excited to even leave the house, we’ve rounded up the best stories in today’s tabloids. So go spend your money on some Quick Trim. Just kidding. Don’t do that. Damn you, tabloid marketing!

  • The only surprising thing about Kendra Wilkinson Baskett’s new sex tape scandal is that it hasn’t happened already. Though it’s unclear who sold the video, to be named “Kendra Exposed,” to Vivid Entertainment, Kendra’s lawyers are (pretty ineffectively) trying to stop it from being released. Now that she’s a new mother, Kendra is upset that her past is coming back to haunt her. A source says, “As a new mom and wife, this is the worst scenario she could ever imagine. It’s horrifying.” Having been a former Playboy Playmate, Kendra’s been exposed before, but now that she’s got a new life, she was hoping to forget the rest.
  • OK! says that curves are making a comeback (woohoo) and shows beautiful women talking about their bodies. Jessica Simpson says, “There’s something empowering about curves, you can’t strut when you’re skinny… I don’t diet, I watch what I eat, but I also let myself indulge… I don’t obsess about it.” And Beyonce says she actually didn’t like dropping the weight for “Dreamgirls”: “I didn’t feel sexy, I don’t want to lose my curves. I’m not a naturally stick-thin girl.” Scarlett Johansson ads, “There are a lot of actors around Hollywood who are just too thin for my taste. Curves are what make women look like women. I feel lucky to have what I’ve got.”
  • Last week, one of the tabloids said that “The Hills” ruined Audrina Patridge’s life. So, this week she went to OK! to tell them it didn’t. Even though the cover also included Kristin Cavallari and Heidi Montag and only said that Audrina’s life was ruined by a stalker, not any of the things they refer to in this article. Responding to accusations that she’s become arrogant, Audrina says, “I’m always the first one to get into a bathing suit and not even think twice because I just don’t care about what other people think. This is me and, like, whatever.” It’s almost as if they’re trying to make her sound stupid. But of her boyfriend Ryan Cabrera, Patridge says, “When we’re together, all the rumors and gossip, it’s the last thing on my mind.” [OK!]

  • Eric “McSteamy” Dane and Rebecca Gayheart grace the cover of Us Weekly with their new baby girl, Billie Beatrice. Eric says, “I think the first thing I said to her was, ‘I’m going to show you some really cool s**t.'” On diaper duty, Gayheart says, “Eric is the swaddle ninja. He does a lot of the diapering and swaddling.” Eric ads, “It’s kind of like wrapping a burrito.” Rebecca talks about finding Eric napping with Billy, and Eric talks about wanting a “Baby on Board” sticker, “to explain why I’m driving 15 miles under the speed limit.” Mostly, they gush about how organic everything feels and how blessed they are to have a beautiful baby girl and they’re obviously super in love and hilarious together. Sigh.
  • Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry apparently had more drama in their relationship than they let on. According to one source, “it’s been more than four months,” since the breakup and “Halle 100 percent broke up with Gabriel because she decided it wasn’t forever. He has been begging her to take him back. He didn’t want to admit it was over.” Meanwhile, another source says that Aubry broke up with Halle because “Halle picks and nags and never lets up. Now she’s trying to spin it that she kicked him out, but he was finally like, ‘Screw you,’ and walked away from the whole thing.” Ugh, it’s bad enough breaking up without having to deal with this crap.
  • Jenna Jameson talked to Us Weekly about April 26, the day her boyfriend Tito Ortiz was arrested for domestic abuse. Apparently, the night before, the couple had a fight about sex and the morning of the incident, Ortiz accused Jameson of being high on Oxy-Contin. When Jameson denied the drug use, Ortiz pushed her aside and she fell against the edge of the bathtub … She still had a scab on her knee in the photo where she’s posing with her adorable twin sons who, kind of awkwardly have their pants totally unzipped. Jameson had a drug test after Tito’s press conference, proving she was totally clean. Jameson says he is not a wife-beater but might have some anger issues to work on: “I’ve been in abusive situations before and I’m not willing to be a statistic… but I have children who need their father. And he’s a fantastic father. And the bottom line is we love each other… he needs anger management and we need counseling… this has to never happen again.” [Us Weekly]

  • The National Enquirer detailed the “Best and Worst Celebrity Diets.” The best bodies include Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce, Gwen Stefani, and Demi Moore. Some of the worst bodies include too-thin Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love and Queen Latifah, who’s gone back to her unhealthy ways after losing weight in 2008. Kelly Clarkson has defended her weight gain, saying, “I’ve got a butt. I’m Greek. I can’t help that. I think it’s good for people to see normal.” They rounded out the story with close-ups of celebrity cellulite, which was mildly comforting.
  • I’m not sure why anyone would brag about sleeping with Mel Gibson these days, but 26-year-old Polish “Porn Queen” Violet Kowal claims that she’s the reason Mel and Oksana Grigorieva broke up. She also said, “Mel’s great in bed! It was the best sex I’ve ever had. But I ended our relationship because there was just too much drama.” And while Mel didn’t buy her a $3 million home like he did for Oksana, he was apparently generous: “Mel always carried around a large duffel bag filled with cash. Each time we were together, he’d reach into the bag and give me an envelope with $700 to $800 before I left.” Um, yeah, I think that makes it a business transaction. The story closes with Violet admitting she’s “glad it’s over,” because “Mel’s a nice guy who’s really into sex. But when we were seeing each other, he was driving himself crazy sneaking around trying not to get caught.”
  • Larry King is allegedly having a baby with his wife’s sister! Plus, his wife recently filed for divorce but now that she heard about the pregnancy, she allegedly wants to call off the divorce to keep them from getting together. A family friend says, “Shawn and Shannon have been rivals for most of their lives. Now that Shannon is talking about having a baby with Larry, Shawn is digging in and trying to reconcile with Larry… Shawn can’t stand the thought of being replaced by her younger sister. Shannon has never been married and doesn’t have any children. The ultimate stab in the back to her sister Shawn would be to have Larry’s baby.” Whoah, this just turned into a “Jerry Springer” episode. [The National Enquirer]

  • Bret Michaels is on the cover of People, saying he’s “so thankful to be alive” after his brain hemorrhage two weeks ago. Of the initial hemorrhage, Bret says, “I thought someone shot me in the back of the head, like a burglar. It was the most severe, instant pain I’ve ever felt in my life.” Bret managed to make it to his girlfriend Kristi Gibson’s room to tell her they needed to go to the emergency room and when a doctor did a CAT scan, he told Bret his daughters should be brought to the hospital. Bret asked if he was dying and the doctor responded, “Well, there’s obviously a chance. You’re still alive, and people die instantly from this.” Doctor Zabramski said they had to check on him once an hour to see how he was progressing but there wasn’t significant improvement until three days later. “Saturday, it was like the lights came back on.” Bret says, “Of all the ways that I thought I could go out, that wasn’t one of them. Definitely not the rock star way to go out.” When he needed a sponge bath the next day, Bret asked for his girlfriend to do it and according to Kristi, “he told everyone to get out of the room because we were going to make out. I said to myself, “I think he’s going to be okay!”
  • Alexa Ray Joel, Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley’s daughter, talked to People about the depression that led to her overdose suicide attempt. Alexa says she couldn’t get out of bed the morning of December 5th: “I didn’t want to get dressed. I didn’t want to put on makeup. I wasn’t feeling anything.” She had a panic attack, then took some homeopathic pills trying to calm down, but after taking way too many, she got shaky. “I hot rock bottom that day… A part of me wanted people close to me to know—not the whole world.” She blames her depression on heartbreak after breaking up with her former bassist Jimmy Riot, saying, “I was addicted to this man, and it spiraled out of control.” After Riot didn’t call her post-overdose and Joel entered intensive therapy, she’s happier. She got rhinoplasty to correct a deviated septum and to fix her nose recently, is moving apartments, and started writing an actually happy song.
  • David Boreanaz talked to People about cheating on his wife of nine years and his attempts to save their marriage. He told the tabloid, “I haven’t been faithful to my wife. Out marriage has been tainted with my infidelities. I was irresponsible.” Apparently, Boreanaz admit this to his wife a year ago but was forced to go public after his former mistress threatened him with “some sort of extortion attempt.” David won’t name the mistress (he has been linked to Rachel Uchitel), but he says the woman “was asking for six figures and would go to the media if we didn’t pay.” David’s wife, Jaime Bergman, stands by his side, despite the “anger” and “disgust.” She also admits that they weren’t working at their relationship before: “It took infidelity to get us off our asses and work for what we want.” [People]

  • Star brought out the big guns today with “Hollywood Housekeepers Tell All!” Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s hired help says that they live like hobos, saying, “It’s actually pretty disgusting. There are always pizza boxes everywhere, food left out to spoil, hair dye on the walls—it’s gross!” The kids are apparently allowed to color on the walls; Brad is a hoarder with art, architecture books and magazines falling out of closets and garages; and Brad often doesn’t feel like bathing and uses baby wipes instead. Jennifer Aniston’s help says she walks around in sheer panties and see-through tops or underwear and has tons of lingerie sent to the house after shopping for it online. George Clooney measures his booze to make sure his employees aren’t sneaking his single-malts. Britney Spears has sex toys in her nightstand, and a source says, “Britney was embarrassed beyond belief when a maid pulled out some half-eaten burgers, fries and cookies from under [her bed].” OMG. Comic gold.
  • Heidi Montag has finally admitted that she “made a mistake” by getting a full-body plastic makeover, even though she’s insisted she’s happy with her results. A family friend says, “Everything is still swollen and tender, and Heidi is in excruciating pain.” A shopkeeper said that when she recently came in to try on clothes, “she winced every time she tried to put on or take off any clothing. It got so bad, she broke down in tears in the changing room.” Her biggest regret is her DDD breast implants, which she might get reduced now because of back pain, despite having told her friends she wanted them bigger. After getting her chin “shaved down,” it hurts her to eat or kiss. She can’t be hugged and a source says her sex like with Spencer “has really suffered.” A source says, “She cries every night, she’s a wreck over what she’s done to herself… She feels like she’s in a terrible nightmare and can’t wake up.”
  • Apparently, Jennifer Aniston has invited her yoga instructor and good friend Mandy Ingber to move into her Beverly Hills mansion with her. An insider says, “I think she thought, living with men hasn’t worked out for her in the past, so why not try a close friend? Jen’s been wanting companionship.” Her newly renovated house is also apparently sprawling and super quiet and “all the silence freaks Jen out, and she doesn’t like being there by herself. She’s always filling the space with people, music and animals.” Another insider says, “Jen offered Mandy a bedroom with her own bathroom. She sees her as a friend, a sister, a confidante. Jen has cried on Mandy’s shoulder a lot over the years, so she would do anything for her. Jen trusts Mandy implicitly.” Mandy will move in this summer and the two “are already planning pool parties and barbecues and such, Jen has the perfect partner in crime in Mandy.” Yay! More womance! [Star]