Sure it’s springtime, love is in the air and the birds are singing. But do you know what else is in the air? Pollen. And the bees are singing too … kinda. You might fall in love frolicking in the park, but you might also fall in love in a dark movie theater, sitting next to a handsome stranger who offers you his popcorn. If you’re going to take that route, this week’s movie releases are going to offer some really interesting post-movie conversation. To scare the crap out of yourself, go see “Nightmare on Elm Street,” or (shudder) “The Human Centipede (First Sequence).” If you’re carting kids or like watching animals be devious, catch “Furry Vengeance.” If you want to see Michael Caine kick some butt, there’s “Harry Brown,” and if you want to feast your eyes on Ryan Reynolds playing Jeff Daniels’ imaginary superhero, watch “Paper Man.”
The Movie: “Furry Vengeance”
The Trailer: Dan Sanders (Brendan Fraser) is a real-estate developer, set to tear down a forest to build a housing development. But as soon as the woodland creatures catch work of his plan, they start torturing Sanders with a skunk spray hot box, bee stings in the eyes, raccoon pee in the mouth, and plenty of crotch bashing. His wife (Brooke Shields) and son (Matt Prokop) are ready to give up on him and his boss (Ken Jeong) isn’t offering another option.
The Hitch: My first reaction to this movie was, well, at least they’re not talking! Because for some reason, it’s way easier to believe animals are plotting against us if they aren’t telling us about it. There has got to be an easier way to teach people that the environment is doomed than showing hundreds of creatures going for Brendan Fraser’s nuts, though!
The Movie: “Nightmare on Elm Street”
The Trailer: A relaunch of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series, Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley) is a child murderer who kills his victims in their dreams. In order to avoid slaughter at his razored hand, the youngsters try to keep themselves from falling asleep … but he’s there the second their heavy lids fall, grabbing through bath water and pushing through bedroom walls.
The Hitch: New Freddy actually looks like a burned man, not like the latex-laden versions of yesteryear. And instead of hinting that Freddy is a big ol’ pedophile, it’s a fact now. Basically, it’s just like before with better technology and a stronger backstory. So, if the first version scared you, prepare to jump and scream a bit.
The Movie: “Paper Man”
The Trailer: A failed novelist (Jeff Daniels) and his very frustrated, successful surgeon wife (Lisa Kudrow) are forced to deal with the fact that there’s a third in their marriage—an imaginary superhero (Ryan Reynolds) who lives in the writer’s head. But making a real friend in a local emo girl (Emma Stone) helps alleviate some of the crazy.
The Hitch: Why is it that the movies I don’t want to see have the most advertising and movies that actually look interesting just appear? I guess it’s more necessary to pimp crappy movies. Anyway, I am super excited to see Jeff Daniels and his imaginary friend, Ryan Reynolds, traipse around. And it’s awesome to see a friendship between a man and a young woman that isn’t about them sleeping together!
The Movie: “The Human Centipede (First Sequence)”
The Trailer: Two tourists’ (Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie) car breaks down in the woods in Germany. They stumble upon a nice-looking home owned by Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), a celebrity surgeon and resident psychopath who promptly drugs the girls and straps them to gurneys. Then he tells them, and another victim, that he is going to perform a medical experiment on them that includes surgically joining them, mouth to anus, to make a human centipede.
The Hitch: The most grotesque horror movie genre has got to be the mad surgeon variety and you could not pay me enough money to watch this. I guess we can blame the Japanese for this concept since the theme was borrowed from the movie “Audition, The Human Centipede.” But I will never subject my already vivid imagination to something this brutal. “Human Centipede” is going in that no thanks category along with the “Saw” movies.
The Movie: “Harry Brown”
The Trailer: Harry Brown (Michael Caine) is a lonely widower, living in a lower-class housing project in Britain. When his good friend is killed by local thug kids, he exacts his revenge and the local cops wonder if they should turn a blind eye and let the former Northern Ireland soldier do their work for them.
The Hitch: It seems the old guy-kicking-thug-kid-butt is going to remain a theme … at least he’s not trying to protect his neighbors a la “Gran Torino,” but I would rather see Michael Caine going haywire than Clint Eastwood. It’s so much more proper with a British accent.