OK, so far, we know what his body type says about him, what his penis says about him, and what his bedding says about him. But what does his favorite sexual position say about him? What does it mean if he prefers doggie to missionary, if he busts out a pile driver, if he tries to get all tantric in the sack? Find out!1. Downward Doggie Dude. He likes to do it from behind. Why? Because that’s how he rolls. In the sack, that is. He’s a butt-man. Ergo, in the bedroom, his favorite view is of your be-hind. Intellectually-speaking, this guy is more likely to be studly than a metrosexual. He doesn’t manscape, he sometimes has sex in his tube socks, and he’s prone to bellowing at the top of his lungs when he brings it home.
Pros: He’s ready for anything, whether that’s camping or swinging from the chandeliers.
Cons: He won’t stop talking about your butt. When you say you want to try it missionary-style, he looks at you like you done lost your mind, girl.
2. The Missionary Man. He works for the city, the state, or the US government. By day, he wears a suit, a tie, and a pair of shiny loafers. On the weekends, he plays golf. Once, he got a speeding ticket; that’s the first and last time he broke the law. He didn’t lose his virginity until he was 19, and that’s only because a couple of his frat brothers hired a stripper to pop his cherry. This one likes to play by the rules.
Pros: He wants to look you in the eyes and have sex with you at the same time.
Cons: He wants to look you in the eyes and have sex with you at the same time.
3. The Pile Driver. Is he trying to wrestle you or have sex with you? With this fellow, you are never really sure. More often than not, he’s closer to Brock Lesnar than Pee-Wee Herman, physically and mentally, and he’s got more sexual conquests on his resume than Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s obsessed with his body but insecure about his intellect, so he’ll bust out every sex move on the planet to impress you.
Pros: You never tried that before!
Cons: Physically challenging sexual positions could lead to personal injury.
4. Tantric Sex Freak. You met him at yoga. He hasn’t worn deodorant since 1993. He has a ponytail. And, well, he kind of smells. He is, though, not just interested in boning you. He wants to, like, connect his psychic, sexual energy with your vibrant violet aura, and the only way he can do that is by putting his lingam in your yoni. Trust: He’s great in bed, but it sucks when afterward there’s nothing to eat but granola bars and wheat grass. Blech.
Pros: Multiple-orgasm central.
Cons: It’s never just sex with this one. It’s a sacred spiritual marriage. Sometimes, girls just wanna get off.
5. Ride Him, Cowgirl. Dude is lazy. He doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t go to the gym, and the last time his place got cleaned was the last time you cleaned it for him. He’s so under-motivated that during sex, the only thing upright is his wang. You either climb on board and ride him, or you ain’t gettin’ none. If you point out this isn’t exactly sexual equality, he says, “Huh?”
Pros: You’re the boss lady up in this joint; stronger thighs.
Cons: You’re looking for Downward Doggie Dude.