On the last episode of “Tough Love Couples,” everyone had to dress up like their partner’s fantasy and a bunch of the ladies asked their men to get their chests waxed. Why, oh why?! It’s a serious crime against nature to strip a dude! Waxing it off isn’t just painful physically; it places hairlessness on a pedestal that creates an image of men just as ridiculous as those pin-thin models we ladies gripe about.
I tell you, deforestation of men has become a growing problem. With all these uber-manscaped models and Hollywood types badgering dudekind to get waxed, a man with chest hair is practically an endangered species. If “Captain Planet” were still on the air, there’d be Planeteers looking out for earth, fire, wind, water, heart, and chest hair! The Art Of Manliness gurus agree that we have to protect it. Men and women of the world, I’m going to need your help to stop this crime against mankind and hotness.Maybe I’ve dated too many
bears real men, maybe I’ve watched too many episodes of “Magnum P.I.” or maybe ladies like me are biologically hardwired to smile when we see a wisp of manliness creeping out the top of a shirt, but to me, nothing is sexier than a good ol’ handful of chest hair. And I’m not alone; according to AskMen.com, 76 percent of women love it!
So, I was shocked to not only see, but also hear an earful of hair issues from a perfectly sprawled man while I watched the “Tough Love” guys get waxed. It made me realize tough guys are as insecure about their chests as we women can be! Apparently, many dudes who can sprout a substantial body ‘stache have felt like it’s something they have to get rid of or hide.
Baby, like sex, cheese, and the other joys in life, when it comes to chest hair, the more the better. I mean, have you seen the shirtless Selleck Waterfall Sandwich? Mm, mm, and mm, that’s what I’m talking about!
There is a reason they call it a happy trail. Heck, there’s a reason men’s shirts come with buttons— it’s so you can pop it like it’s hot! I swear, man cleave can be just as distracting as a pair of lady double D’s. I could get lost in the swirls for hours … and I have. Although, really, just like boobs, any amount of chest hair is enough to play with.
Still, I’ve seen countless models and pretty boys preened, plucked, robbed, er, waxed like no hair equals guy perfection. As if! Let’s look at it practically. From a touch standpoint, how is scratchy stubble better than a soft tuft? Also, would you rather he spend $50 at the salon every two weeks fighting Mother Nature or that he would lavish the money on you?
Beyond preference and practicality, there is a real reason. It’s plain wrong for the media to project on dudes that an ideal man is hairless when almost no man has fur-free pecks. It’s as laughable as the idyllic “Barbie” representing real women, or in this case, “Ken,” as the standard for men. Dudes, I encourage you to apply the same feminist body-empowerment to yourselves. We love to love you just the way you are. Don’t let this unrealistic image make you feel insecure about taking your shirt off. Can’t we all agree that a man without a shirt is always a beautiful thing?
Look, it’s one thing if you’re born hairless and you rock it. No disrespect, bang a gong, get it on! But it is clearly a crazy mandate when almost every guy has some amount of chest hair. So, as we head into swimsuit season, I hope all you studs out there don’t manscape yourself away until you’ve got nothing left. Just like with good sex, gentlemen, you’ve got to do what comes naturally. And ladies, if you really want to have sex with a guy who has no hair, buy a dildo.