Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Sandra Bullock Talks Baby/Divorce! Vivienne And Knox Have Down Syndrome?

It’s a totally beautiful day today and amidst all the drama in the world, the tabloids are miraculously upbeat. Everyone lost a bunch of weight and celebs are being really nice to each other this week. Most importantly, Sandra Bullock has a new baby! I know I should have given you guys a spoiler alert, but I’m so excited. And so you can be just as happy as I am, we’ve rounded up the top stories from this week’s tabloids in a convenient cheat sheet. We wouldn’t want you to get a paper-cut or anything.

  • I hope you slept well, because while you were asleep, Jennifer Aniston lost seven pounds. Actually, it took a week. In case you want to try her diet, for breakfast blend three cups of organic frozen watermelon mixed with two and a half cups of unsweetened almond milk, for lunch you can have raw soup made from dandelion greens, spinach, and arugula, and for dinner, it’s seaweed salad time. No wonder she lost weight.
  • OK! insinuates that Kourtney and Kim Kardashian are having a “weight war.” But really, Kim just said that Kourtney weighs less than her and, “She looks amazing!” (Avoid the shrapnel). Khloe added that she thinks Kourt “has a better butt than before [the baby].” Kourtney says, “breastfeeding and QuickTrim Fast Shakes were my secret weapons.” The girls have become really serious about working out. Kim admits that on a recent trip to Australia, she made the driver bring her straight from the airport to a gym and had him wait while she worked out. I blame QT.
  • Every week, there seem to be more “Dancing with the Stars” secrets. This week, they’re really stupid. Evan Lysacek’s pre-show ritual is chewing a piece of blue Orbit gum and when he couldn’t find it one week, they made the production assistants “scour the studio.” Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke argue about food apparently. Burke says she’ll “cheat and have an occasional slice of cheese” while Chad’s daily consumption reads like a McDonald’s menu … because it is. But the best part is the caption that says, “He loves burgers. She eats salads.” Notice it doesn’t say she likes it. [OK!]

  • In case you haven’t heard, the ladies of “The Hills” have been “destroyed by fame.” Heidi Montag is a “walking Franken-Barbie.” A source reveals that the “freak show” surgeries were just a ploy, made more necessary when Spencer got kicked off the show for threatening to kill a producer and Heidi’s role got downsized. Meanwhile, Audrina Patridge had to fight off a stalker but is “wiser to the ways of men” and is working on her own reality series. A witness says they saw Kristin Cavallari doing cocaine at Coachella and her co-stars say she’s always late, looks awful in the morning, and constantly parties.
  • Bret Michaels is still in critical condition after his massive brain hemorrhage. Those who have visited the rocker say that he is awake but has slurred speech, blurred vision and dizziness. Bret has had type-1 diabetes since he was 6 years old, and the “Rock of Love” girls all had to learn how to check his blood pressure to avoid diabetic seizures, but otherwise he was in very good health. His doctor says, “The fact that he’s able to talk is a good sign. It’s serious, but a number of patients make a full recovery.”
  • Us Weekly says Brad Pitt has “slammed” Jennifer Aniston after her recent pictorial in Architectural Digest. A source says, “Brad thinks she is pathetic. He said she was never into architecture when they were married. It was his hobby, and she even made fun of him for it!” According to the insider, “It was a ploy to get his attention because she knows that he reads the magazine. Brad feels this is all so desperate.” Jeez, Brad. [Us Weekly]

  • The National Enquirer says that Brad and Angelina are “haunted” by speculation that their 21-month-old twins have Down syndrome. A family friend says, “Brad and Angie are sick that their babies are being held up to such harsh scrutiny.” In March, a blog commentor said, “The twins look like they have Downs.” The twins were kept from the public for a year, and another source says, “Their fans have worried and wondered about the twins’ health because they sometimes look very fragile and sickly … I’m sure if something really was wrong, Brad and Angie would acknowledge it and do their best to raise awareness.”
  • The Enquirer says that Tiger Woods has confessed to sleeping with 120 women while married to Elin, but won’t admit to his affair with their neighbor’s daughter. At sex rehab, Tiger had to list every woman he’d had sex with but left 21-year-old Raychel Coudriet (who he’s known since she was 14) out. Raychel is just a college girl (shown in the inset picture wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, like she might still be 14) and Tiger apparently knew that if he admitted to sleeping with their neighbor’s daughter, Elin would never forgive him.
  • Chaz Bono’s weight gain has apparently put him at risk for a heart attack or stroke and Cher is “terrified.” In 2005, Chaz was on “Celebrity Fit Club” and lost 24 pounds but immediately gained that back. Chaz tried working with a personal trainer and considered getting lap-band surgery, but the problem is his love for cooking for his girlfriend. A doctor told the Enquirer that Chaz is even more at risk because of the testosterone, which “dramatically lowers your good cholesterol or HDL and increases your chances of cardiovascular disease.” Testosterone also increases a person’s appetite. Chaz’s weight is “well over 270″ and the sources says, “I don’t think he realizes how serious the situation is.” [The National Enquirer]

  • The “Most Beautiful People” issue is boooring, so I’m just gonna give you the deets on the Sandra Bulluck cover story. She wasn’t eating bon-bons and sobbing over Jesse James; she secretly adopted the cutest little dumpling of a baby ever, Luis Bardo Bullock, who she’s been raising since January. Sandra says, “You wake up, you feed, you burp, you play, you do laundry … I’m still in that stage where I’m just amazed with him and life.” Luis came from New Orleans and the couple planned on keeping him private until after the Oscars. But now she has filed for divorce and will adopt as a single mom. Apparently, the hardest part was not telling everyone she saw how excited she was about her “little man.”
  • An inset to the story gave Jesse James’ perspective. James said, “My whole life has been full of hard decisions. The decision to let my wife end our marriage and continue the adoption of Louis on her own has been the hardest. The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words … Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go. Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life.”
  • Of the day she found out about the affair, Sandra says, “All I remember is thinking I need to get Louis out of here before the vultures descend. But never in a million years did I foresee something like this happening … I have filed for divorce. I don’t know what else to say. I’m sad, and I am scared.” Sandra says her relationship with Jesse is now a bittersweet one, but she hopes Louis can one day experience “the father I have known Jesse to be.” Sandra was shocked by the Nazi photos that emerged, saying “Racism, anti-Semitism, sexism, homophobia, anything Nazi and a boatload of other things have no place in my life.” We love you, Sandy! [People]

  • Kirstie Alley is back in the tabloids, but this time for losing 50 pounds since December! One “pal” says that “for her to lose that much weight in such a short time, some friends think she might have had “a little lipo or something.” An insider says the results are from daily aerobics combined with her own weight-loss plan, Organic Liaison. Kirstie weighs an estimated 180 pounds but wants to get to 145 pounds and plans on joining “Dancing with the Stars.”
  • Katie Holmes is back in the tabloids because she will apparently “face public humiliation on the heels of a tell-all book,” Scientology: Abuse at the Top, which mentions Tom’s alleged drug abuse and gay rumors. Katie has apparently realized how Tom has created a chasm between her and her old friends and now she’s constantly surrounded by Scientologists who spy on her and report back to Tom. Katie has to do two and a half hours a day of “auditing,” or spiritual counsel. She also has to take vitamins and barley water every morning and get ready in a certain order “to make her energy better for the day.” Meanwhile, no one is allowed to wake Suri up. One source says when Suri doesn’t get what she wants, “she screams, throws things, breaks things, her tantrums are legendary … They think Suri is an old soul in a little body, so the rules go out the window.” Katie has allegedly signed another 3-year marriage contract, so the drama will inevitably continue.
  • Britney Spears has been betrayed by an ex again, with Canadian journalist Christopher Heard’s new book, Britney Spears: Little Girl Lost. Her first boyfriend, Reg Jones, said that Britney lost her virginity to him when she was 14 years old and that she got breast implants. Another ex who dated her in 2004, Columbus Short, says that at the time “Britney needed her confidence back. She was emotionally a wreck. She was insecure, and she was out of shape.” Meanwhile, Britney is bummed that all her bootleg exes have spoken out about her. A source says, “She still thinks of them as friends, and she feels like she’s been stabbed in the back.” Probably because she has. [Star]