10 Ways Whitney Houston Can Turn Her Tragic Tour Around

We were totally rooting for Whitney Houston after she dumped Bobby, kicked the crack habit, sat down on Oprah’s couch, and got her comeback tour on the road. But at some point along the way, the tour turned into a total bust. She has been plagued by respiratory problems that she claims were caused by a bad AC unit. And at her Sunday concert at London’s O2 arena, her voice simply gave out in the middle of “I Will Always Love You.” “Oh, it’s going to come,” Houston pleaded with disappointed fans in the middle of the song. “I wanna do it—but [my voice] just doesn’t want to. I have long talks with her. Well, tonight she’s getting a little temperamental.” (Side note: it’s not OK to talk about your voice in the third person.) Critics are calling her a shadow of her former self and superstar in dramatic decline. Eek! [People]

Whitney needs our help and quick. After the jump, some suggestions for Whitney to turn this tour around quickly.

  1. Whitney needs a flashy opening act. Something to get the kids excited. Is Justin Bieber free?
  2. Is there any chance for a Bobby Brown guest appearance? Then fans can just sit back and enjoy the freak show, just for old time’s sake. It’s our prerogative.
  3. Costumes, costumes, costumes. She needs glitter, feathers, and backup dancers. She needs spectacle, like dropping down from the ceiling in a hot air balloon. Anything to distract from her piss poor vocals.
  4. It may be necessary to pull a Milli Vanilli in this instance. Lip sync those songs like the best of ‘em.
  5. Slap a good cause on to the tour. Make it Whitney Houston’s “We Are The World 2010 Tour.” Donate a large portion of the ticket sales to charity so people won’t be pissed that they wasted $200 to hear you sputter.
  6. Whitney needs some funny, non-crazy patter. Make the crowd laugh. Tell stories. Distract them from awful singing by fostering a more personal connection with fans.
  7. She can show off her rap skillz with a “Crack is Whack” remix.
  8. Nothing can get a struggling stage show revved up like a new boyfriend to join you on the tour bus. May we suggest a young, hot underwear model to add new life to “I’m Every Woman” and “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”?
  9. Whitney should write a tell-all book, release it in mid-tour, and cancel the remaining dates to promote it. You know you’d read it.
  10. If all else fails, Whitney can always cancel the tour, give fans their money back, get better for reals, and reschedule when she can actually sing. But that would be so boring.