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15 Ways To Get Out Of Jury Duty

I’m back from a week of jury duty! Did you guys miss me? What do you mean you didn’t notice I was gone? I’m heartbroken. Anyway, I never thought I’d be so glad to be back to work on a Monday morning, but after a week at the courthouse, where I couldn’t so much as pee until someone gave me the go-ahead, work is a welcome relief! When I got my jury summons, plenty of people told me if I got chosen, it would be a fascinating experience, but, truthfully, I found it far more traumatizing than anything else. It was boring, tedious, and frustrating. And! I was even called a bully by a couple of the other jurors! Can you believe that? But I did learn a thing or two — most important, how to get out of jury duty the next time I get summoned (which won’t be for at least six years, thank God). After the jump, 15 ways you, too, can skirt this particular civic duty.

  1. When the lawyers start questioning you, plead the fifth.
  2. Point to the defendant and say, “Hey, didn’t you sit next to me in Miss O’Mally’s 6th grade class?”
  3. Tell ‘em you don’t understand English.
  4. Meow like a cat.
  5. CRY. (Seriously, I watched three people do this and they were all excused immediately).
  6. Say you have a religious or moral opposition to judging people.
  7. Ask the judge if she can help you get a role on “Law and Order.”
  8. Give all your answers in Na’vi.
  9. Dress like Princess Leia, à la Liz Lemon.
  10. Whatever the trial is about (you’ll be informed prior to jury questioning), claim you went through the exact same thing last year. “Seriously, your honor, my co-worker also tried to poison me by bringing in cookies to the office she laced with hydrogen peroxide.”
  11. When the names of the witnesses are given, start shrieking and yell, “That bastard! He told me he moved to Alaska!”
  12. Tell the lawyers you disagree with the law and you will use your power to nullify it in this case (i.e., vote “not guilty” simply because you feel the law is stupid).
  13. Say you think police officers are corrupt.
  14. Point to your boobs and say, “These things will explode if I don’t stay home and nurse my kid.” No one has to know your kid’s 12.
  15. Ask if all five of your personalities will have a chance to vote.
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