Heroes are boring. Who wants to be Clark Kent when you could be Lex Luthor? Ever since there have been complete a-holes around to spoil the good guys’ fun on TV, guys have wanted to be them. Here’s a look at four TV villains all guys wish they could be.
|1. Ben from “Lost“ — The creepy dude from “Lost” doesn’t have a whole lot going on in the looks department, but he makes up for it in manipulation. Ben can pretty much get anyone he wants to do anything he can think of; though very often his schemes involve letting someone kick his ass or torture him for a few days.
Every guy wants some sort of brilliant ability to know what people are thinking and what they’re going to do, and Ben personifies that ability. He’s an evil genius of the highest order, and even when he’s a sniveling little bastard, guys still think he’s pretty damn cool.
|2. Simon Cowell from “American Idol“ — Although Cowell enjoys a reputation as one of the most universally reviled people on the planet, there’s a reason that he seems to be on TV every time you flip the channels. People want to be mean to each other, but society refuses us that right.
Cowell lets guys live out their fantasy of telling innocent people that they suck, whether it’s on “American Idol” or any of the other talk shows or reality shows he pops up on. And as much as women say that they hate him, he’s something of a sex symbol. I’ll bet anything that the sales of plain black T-shirts skyrocketed once the king of insults set foot on American soil.
|3. Cobra Commander from “G.I. Joe” — The lead bad guy from “G.I. Joe” had it all going for him. He had millions of dollars at his disposal, a legion of evil, super-talented henchmen, and a love of badass costumes only matched by his undying hatred for Real American Heroes. Unfortunately, he could never really get it together enough to win, despite enormous technical and manpower advantages.
Guys think that if we could be Cobra, we’d easily be able to overpower G.I. Joe and spend the rest of our time partying and drinking some sort of cool supervillain drink. With Joe’s luck, though, we’d probably just end up with a missile up our asses, swearing that we’d come up with a better plan next time.
|4. Gregory House from “House” — Granted, House isn’t outright evil. He’s an anti-hero, a selfish, rude, sometimes cruel genius who only seems to help the people in his hospital because he appreciates the challenge. House sees the patient’s death as a big GAME OVER sign, nothing more, and he uses his near-limitless powers of observation to brutally shut down co-workers, friends, and his hot, cleavage-baring boss. I just described the fantasy of every dude in every dead-end office job everywhere. Throw in House’s trendy Vicoden habit, and you’ve got an anti-hero icon.|