The Top 10 Reasons Men Watch Porn

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Why do men watch porn? Let’s be honest. Who the hell knows. All I know is that some guys watch it, and we, as women, are left to sit around, scratching our heads, considering their reasoning. Yes, surely, ladies watch porn, too, but I tend to think the male-er sex is a little bit more pornographically-inclined than, shall we say, the fairer sex. Behold, I have delivered unto you the top 10 reasons why men watch porn. I don’t claim to have all the answers. But here are a few. 1. He’s Bored. The number one reason men watch porn is not for masturbatory purposes. It’s for the great dialogue. No, not that either. You know what I think? Having talked to a lot of dudes who watch porn, and read about why guys watch porn, and thought about porn, and dated dudes who watch porn, and, well, you get the point, I think men watch porn for the same reason women shop, and eat, and nap. Because they’re bored. Period. Men seem to bore easily. Porn is their idea of entertainment. Go figure.

2. To Get Off. Let’s not beat around the bush, as it were. The second most common reason guys will whip out a copy of “What Happens Between My [Breasts] Stays Between My [Breasts]” is to — how can I put this delicately? Unload. When I’m not talking to men about their porn consumption, I’m talking to them about their masturbatory habits, and I think a lot of times guys masturbate because … it was there. The porn was there. They saw it. They watched it. They masturbated to it. Now, they are done.

3. No One Else Was Available. Yeah, guys and waiting; when it comes to sex: not so much. They’re like some kind of weapon that needs to go off half-cocked, so to speak, every once in a while, or the whole thing’s just going to implode, and if a girlfriend/wife/friend-with-benefits isn’t there to do the horizontal mambo, they will find their company with a video clip they downloaded from a website with a URL too obscene to mention here. It’s not cheating. It’s just friendly.

4. The Gym Is Closed. “American Booty” is more — much, much more — than an explicit movie. It’s a stress reliever. Guys say we’re nuts, but they’re always all worked up about something. Amiright or amiright? If they can’t get to the gym, run 26 miles before dark, or massacre the punching bag in the basement, they’re going to need an outlet, and sometimes that outlet has a laptop plugged into it, and sometimes what’s playing on that laptop is a porn movie. That’s the way they’re wired. Blame Mother Nature.

5. He Thinks Porn Is Hilarious. So says a girlfriend of mine. Some men think porn is funny. Especially the weird stuff. Why do they like that stuff? With the midgets? And the insane costumes? And the absurd premises? To them, that is the height of hilarity. I have so many questions, and so few answers.

6. Dude Is Lazy. Watching porn is not like quantum physics. He doesn’t even have to get out of his chair. It’s like fast food. With boners.

7. It’s Easier Than the Real Thing. Let’s be real, people. Sex is messy. So many fluids, flailing limbs, frantic thrustings. For those who like to keep it clean, the solo-ness of porn can bring sweet release. The drawback is, you know, generally speaking, sex with another human being is probably more rewarding, in the long run, than, say, having a three minute virtual relationship with someone who doesn’t even know you exist, but try telling that to a guy.

8. Picking Up Some New Moves. How else is he supposed to learn how to do the helicopter? To execute reverse cowgirl without turning a sex act into a personal injury case? To do that thing he does down there so well? Most guys see porn as a university. Porn stars are the professors. The viewer is there to learn. If this practice turns a guy from an F to an A, it may behoove us to not complain.

9. Jenna Jameson Naked. Let’s face it. Most of us don’t look like Jenna Jameson. Nor would we want to. But, as everyone knows by now, the male species is a visually-oriented one, and the peen wants what the peen wants. I tend to sort of think of porn as, like, a cartoon. If someone likes the Smurfs, that doesn’t mean he wants to marry a Smurf. Occasionally, males like to look at women who don’t exist in reality without the help of plastic surgery. To which I say: whatever.

10. The Acting. Ha-ha. No. This is never, ever the reason.

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