The other day I was joking with my friend about what qualities we want in a potential significant other and how people are prone to calling us “picky.” I was like, “As if a six-foot liberal Rhodes Scholar with a year-round tan and desire for two kids, who also happens to own a peony farm and went by the nickname ‘Cunnilingus Master’ in college, is too much to ask?” No, but seriously, here are the 10 things I really want in a dude. Tell me yours in the comments.1. Someone who laughs at my jokes. And I mean really laughs, because he thinks I am hilarious, not just to be polite because eventually politeness wears off. My gay bestie recently told me, “Amelia, the minute you stop making me laugh, I’m going to kill you.” I want to meet a man — who is not my gay bestie — who feels the same way.
2. Someone who knows peonies are in season starting mid-May. Peonies are my most favorite flower in the entire universe. I would rather get a bouquet of peonies from the deli every week for that short period that they’re available at the end of spring than red roses every week for a year. It’s not about getting flowers from a man. It’s about him being someone who remembers that they are among my most favorite things on the planet and having them around me makes me happy.
3. Someone who will basically eat anything. I am not a picky eater. I love food. While there are a few edibles that aren’t really my faves — beets, tapioica — I will basically shove anything in my pie hole. The guy for me absolutely could not have an aversion to stinky cheese.
4. Someone who is calm when assembling Ikea furniture. I am an artist, which means that sometimes I am prone to temper tantrums. That said, I was also taught that patience is a virtue. While I may freak out emotionally from time to time, I am cool as a cucumber when it comes to everyday annoyances — like assembling furniture or waiting in a long line at the airport — and respect and admire a man with that same quality.
5. Someone who will always replace the last Diet Coke in the fridge. And by that I mean someone who is thoughtful and knows that while I will tolerate a warm DC in an emergency, a cold one is so much more enjoyable. Likewise, said fellow would also clean the apartment before I come home from a weekend away and DVR my favorite TV shows if I forget.
6. Someone who will be happy to be a supporting character in my writing. This one is tough. I write about my life for a living and am still figuring out boundaries. But one thing is clear — the right person for me will “get it” and will not only be OK with it, but also will be proud.
7. Someone who wants children (and will be a kick-ass father). Like, wants them. Knows he wants them. Not someone who thinks he will want them “someday.”
8. Someone who tells me I am beautiful. What makes someone beautiful, clearly, is subjective, but the dude I want will think I am. He will also think I have a great ass — because I do — and will smack it sometimes in the sack.
9. Someone who is really smart, but hopefully in different areas than I am. Some of the sexiest professions are in fields that I know nothing about — architects, firemen, cabana boys — and I love the idea of meeting someone who brings new ideas into my world and vice versa. Which is not to say I wouldn’t love to date a writer — I would — but hopefully he is also a rocket scientist in his spare time.
10. Someone who went by the nickname “Cunnilingus Master” in college. I was serious about that.