Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Prince William’s Getting Married? Tom Cruise’s Big Gay Lies?

As a purveyor of junk food news, I feel it might be my civic duty to remind readers from time to time that the news reported henceforth should be taken with a grain of salt. And perhaps a Caramel Frappucinno, because excess sodium can lead to dehydration and I’ve found that the best way to combat that is with sugar. And butter. But seriously, sometimes I feel guilty for perpetuating meritless rumors, so this is my Hail Mary—what you are about to read is for entertainment purposes only, the opinions stated do not necessarily reflect my views or the views of The Frisky and should they inadvertently hurt Kate Gosselin’s feelings, then that’s just too bad.

  • OK! reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to get married, apparently because that’s what all their rugrats want. They’re also hoping it would help put an end to the constant break-up speculations. Another component is Angelina’s recent reconciliation with her father and bonding with Brad’s mother, who was previously on Team Jen. The wedding would be simple, modest, and private with the kids participating in a big way. Sorry Jen, but yay!
  • On the opposite side of the marriage spectrum … you know how Miley Cyrus met her “The Last Song” co-star Liam Hemsworth 10 months ago? OK! speculates that they’re ready to elope. A source says they’re thinking about going to Australia for Christmas nuptials and “once Miley gets an idea, there’s no talking her out of it. And she is hooked on the idea of being a young bride.” Recently, Miley’s been dragging Liam all over LA, buying things like furniture and monogrammed towels for their house. Just as a reminder, Miley Cyrus is 17-years-old.
  • The tabloids are calling Kim Kardashian’s union with hottie soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo “revenge romance,” but I would call it an upgrade. The two had lunch in Madrid last week when Kim was visiting friends in Spain. In fact, they saw each other nearly every day. A source says, “She thinks he’s incredibly sexy, and she loves his body. During their lunch, he even leaned in and gave her a kiss inside the restaurant.” Another source confirms that Reggie is jealous that she’s dating a more successful sports star. But Cristiano also hooked up with Paris Hilton last year and she’s not happy he’s moved on. Fun things you didn’t know about Cristiano: he’s the world’s highest paid soccer star since signing a $132 million deal, his legs are insured for $135 million, he doesn’t drink or smoke (just like Kim), and he owns two boutiques with his sister in Portugal. [OK! Magazine]

  • Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of Us as their “style icon of the decade.” They say she has her “best body ever” after dropping 50 pregnancy pounds. She says she’s excited that her daughter’s starting to get into fashion, “I think that’s what every mom dreams of, that you have a little girl who you’re going to dress up.” And of her son she says, “[He] touches my hair and says, ‘Mommy so pretty.'” She’s back to sample size but says “it took work. I had to diet—which I wasn’t really used to—and I had to exercise … you lose your mojo when you’re pregnant and it takes a year to get it back.” On marriage, Lopez says, “Look, I’m not one to give advice o marriage, OK? I think you just get to a certain point. First, you have to be in love. Second, you have to respect each other. And third, you have to work at it. It’s not something that’s going to happen all on its own.” That seems like pretty awesome advice.
  • I’m hoping that the last season of “The Hills” brings an end to the reign of Speidi, but in the meantime, they’re picking fights with Audrina Patridge. After Heidi’s plastic surgery extravaganza, Audrina commented “It’s a lot.” Which caused Spencer to lash out at Audrina, saying, “Don’t hate because your nasty Tijuana plastic surgery got you no press.” When a producer asked Spencer to hit Holly Montag for added drama, he screamed, “I should kill you for even asking me to do that” Leading to anger management classes (but seriously, that is really messed up!). An insider says he’s trying to cause drama to get extra press. Apparently Audrina “has no idea why he said what he said, and she doesn’t care.” Guess who just won?
  • Many fans were wondering why Kourtney Kardashian took back Scott Disick and Us says things are uphill since they finished filming in Miami and Scott took her ultimatum to shape up or ship out to heart. One of the main issues was the fact that Scott doesn’t have a job, but now he’s developing a men’s tanning line and taking his fatherly duties seriously. Aww. [UsWeekly]

  • Tom Cruise reportedly sat Katie Holmes down recently to tell her how upset all the gay and former drug-dealing rumors upset him and how there is absolutely no truth to the stories. He is now suing a former high-ranking Scientologist who wrote in her book, Scientology: Abuse at the Top that Tom didn’t qualify for the elite “Sea Org” group because of his “drug history.” Cruise claims he’s never used an illegal drug of any kind and that he “is not and has never been a homosexual.” An insider says, “Tom thinks perhaps that people envy his success, particularly now that he’s so happy with Katie and their daughter Suri. It’s like they can’t just let him enjoy his life.”
  • The National Enquirer was never one to tiptoe around words, which explains the story, “Mariah Porks Up.” The tabloid claims she’s hit a “deadly high of 200 pounds” after gaining 57 pounds in the last two years. They say her hubby Nick Cannon might be sending the wrong message by saying there’s “just more of her to love.” Insiders say that turning 40 and trying to get pregnant have been really stressful for the singer and she’s turned to food for comfort. She’s been dropping hints that she might be pregnant, but a source says it’s to “deflect attention from her weight gain.” According to this source, “Her attitude is not to fight the weight gain, but just to go with it.” Huh.
  • The Enquirer also reports that Michael Douglas has succeeded in convincing courts to halve his son Cameron’s jail sentence after writing a heartfelt letter. The letter detailed how hard it is to live with a father who’s a Hollywood legend, speaking from his own experience, and how drug addiction runs in their family. Cameron had been facing a 10 year sentence for admittedly selling meth and coke at New York’s Gansevoort Hotel, now he will apparently face five years. [The National Enquirer]

  • One celeb we don’t often hear about is Prince William, but apparently he’s soon going to propose to Kate Middleton! An onlooker recently saw the couple having lunch with Kate’s father during a ski holiday in the French Alps, apparently William kept saying things like, “Yes, Dad. Everyone in their group was laughing, it was clearly jokey, but William did look part of the family.” A close source says that the proposal is “a given. It’s just a question of when.” When he was 22-years-old, William told a reporter that he wouldn’t get married until he was “at least 28,” and he’ll turn 28 this June. British tabloids call Kate “Waity Katie” but a friend says, “It’s an insult to assume she’s some pathetic waif waiting for her big day.” Insiders speculate that there will definitely be a wedding before 2012.
  • Reese Witherspoon’s relationship with her agent Jim Toth has apparently gotten “surprisingly serious in just weeks.” The pair has been dating since January and while it began with romantic dinners and getaways, Toth has now become a part of Reese’s children’s lives as well. A friend says, “She definitely seems in love.” Another source says, “I think for the first time in a very long time, she feels as if she’s with a grown-up.” Jim’s friend says, “He’s always saying ‘my girlfriend this, my girlfriend that.’ He’s really into her. He used to be such a player, but he’s treating her like gold. He’ll do anything for Reese.” Yay love!
  • Jeremy London talked to People about how his drug addiction ruined his marriage, career, and relationship with his son. He cleaned up last September after divorcing his wife, temporarily losing custody, accumulating $11K in credit card debt, and facing foreclosure on his house. He was also overweight, not finding work and addicted to prescription drugs, taking up to 16 Percocet a day before flushing them all down the toilet. His twin brother (and fellow actor) Jason had moved with Jeremy. But Jeremy started smoking pot, doing ecstasy, and eventually heroin. The drug use got worse after they lost two siblings to car accidents. When the tabloids found out, both brothers careers floundered, Jason says “I’ve been guilty by association.” [People]

  • It’s easy to forget that Kim Kardashian was once married to record producer Damon Thomas for four years, until 2004. Star reports, kind of unsurprisingly, that it was an abusive marriage where Damon got into jealous rages, threatening Kim’s life and physically abusing her. On top of the beatings, he also gave the reality star severe body issues, even forcing her to get liposuction. Kim says, “I had to be perfect.”
  • Shocking news to everyone, Nadya Suleman said that she lives “every single day, every hour of the day, with a tremendous amount of guilt” for having too many children. She told Oprah, “I feel guilty when I look at the older ones, they all have different unique needs. I feel guilty when I’m holding one or two and I can’t be there for the others when they’re crying. You can’t regret children, but [my] choices were childish, immature and selfish. I wasn’t thinking at that time.” With eight 14-month babies and 6 children on top of that, Nadya says she, “felt safer with children than a significant other.”
  • She still hasn’t said anything about her husband Jesse James’ cheating scandal, but Sandra Bullock has officially taken off her wedding ring. She was spotted bare-handed, hiking on Friday. She’s trying to remain undercover in Northern California, makeup-free and bundled-up. Meanwhile, Jesse is still in a treatment facility in Arizona, trying to deal with “personal issues.” Regardless, it looks like Sandy’s moving on. [Star]