Wendy is stuck at jury duty this week and will hopefully — knock on wood! — be back tomorrow or Thursday. Until then, here’s one of her best Dear Wendy columns.
I acknowledge and accept that I’m not a perfect 10. But what drives me nuts is that people keep telling me I’ve got no chance of finding love with someone who is hot or hotter than me. Why can’t I go for it? Why does someone like me have to settle for less? Only beautiful people can be with beautiful people? If you’re not perfect in looks, you don’t deserve anything hot? I tell people what I want and I’ve had enough experiences to say I’ve earned the right to know what I want and be selective instead of the whole “as long as they’re alive” approach. So, please, in your opinion, do you think the beautiful people can only be with the beautiful people? — Not a 10
When it comes to dating and mating, there are definitely certain “leagues” we all fall into, and as humans, we’re conditioned to pursue the highest league we can attract. One’s league is generally determined by a series of traits, including looks, wealth, age, success, and personality. The higher you “rank” in each of these categories, the higher your league, and the more attractive you are to others. It’s important to note, though, that not all factors are created equally for everyone. Some people, like you, may place high value on appearance, while others value a great personality above all else. What’s non-negotiable, though, is that you have to offer something of value to attract a mate (or date!) and it must be equal to that which you are seeking. If you want a “hot” date, you have to offer something that’s equally attractive. If you’re looking for a perfect 10, but you aren’t a perfect 10, you have to offer something that makes up for the difference and puts you in the same league.
So, no, I don’t think beautiful people only end up with beautiful people. But beautiful people do end up with others who have traits that are at least equal to their good looks. This is why you see beautiful young women with older, average-looking rich guys (or, as we’re seeing more of lately, beautiful young men with older, wealthy women). One party offers youth and beauty; the other offers wealth and stability in return. In that sense, it’s a match. So ask yourself honestly, Not a 10: If you want a perfect beauty, what do you have to offer that’s equivalent? If you can’t name something that blows your competitors out of the water, you’re going to have a hard time landing what you’re looking for. If you’re not attractive or rich, for example, you better have one hell of a magnetic personality and an impressive degree of achievement. By the tone and content of your letter, though, something tells me you’re going to be searching for that perfect 10 for a long time.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.