Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Justin And Cameron Reuniting? Angelina Preggers?

It seems that with spring in the air, everyone is boarding the baby train, which I guess makes most people all weepy with joy. But over here at the Curmudgeon Club, we don’t advocate such horizontal hijinks and merry manhandling. Everyone needs to knock it off. I don’t want to read about how happy everyone is—the tabloid business is built on deception and dissing. It’s pure laziness to avoid one’s responsibility to the public. Thankfully, there’s still enough to go around. For now. And we’ve gathered it up in this handy guide to this week’s tabloid sacrifices. You’re welcome.

  • OK! insists that in the next year, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will have another kid. Apparently, Katie was trying to get pregnant last year, but put the plans on hold to work on “The Romantics.” They’d like to try for a son. According to the source, “Tom has always said that getting pregnant has to totally be Katie’s decision, not just because he’s a good guy, but because it’s part of Scientology. The baby’s soul must inhabit its pre-birth body with the clear intention that it wants to be born.” Oh, Scientology babies develop thoughts while in the womb? Maybe that’s why Suri’s so mature for her age?
  • It’s been a while since the “Twilight” couple has been in the tabloids, but fortunately Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson went on a “Romantic Getaway” for Kristen’s birthday to Hungary, where Robert’s been filming his new movie “Bel Ami.” After the wrap party, the pair flew to London and had dinner at McDonald’s, where an eyewitness says, “They were very close, bodies touching. And they looked tired, like they’d had a hard night of partying.” During filming, Rob was apparently video-chatting with Kristen constantly. A witness said, “On one video chat, he sat with hand in hair and head cocked to the side, just smiling, for minutes, finally she giggled and said, ‘What?’ and he replied, ‘I just love you. I miss you so much.'” Meanwhile, Kristen’s been house hunting in L.A., “with the intention of getting Rob to move in with her.”
  • I guess the tabloids are waiting with bated breath for Sandra Bullock to say something about the Jesse James scandal, but remembered this week that she once said, “I learned at a young age, there are certain things you just don’t talk about.” But a “pal” says that Sandy’s been writing about all her emotions in her diary. Insiders want her to publish this potentially “sensational tell-all.” The friend says, “She knows everyone in the world is waiting to hear her thoughts … she hasn’t made any definite decisions, but writing a tell-all would obviously be the ultimate vindication.” But for now, Sandra is just purging the pain. The insider says the actress “really hates for people to hear her when she’s down,” but “she’s determined to come out of this a better person.” [OK! ]

  • Inevitably, with Justin Timberlake filming a new movie with Cameron Diaz, the rumors are flying that there are sparks and that Jessica Biel is pissed. Right before accepting the role in “Bad Teacher,” Jessica threw Justin a birthday party and, apparently, “You could feel the love between them.” But filming has started and Justin is “openly” flirting with Cameron. A friend says, “He tortured Jess by taking this role, and they are reaching a breaking point.” Meanwhile, Justin’s having a blast with Cameron, laughing on set while she brings him lunch. Apparently, Justin loves having his ladies fight over him and his acting career is so important to him that “he doesn’t give a f**k” because acting with Cameron means that he’s made it to her level. It’s not the first time the ladies have fought over Justin and allegedly Cameron wants revenge. Back in 2007 after they broke up, Cameron yelled, “What is she, your new f**king girlfriend? Look at her!”
  • Reality star Ruby Gettinger talked to Us Weekly about losing 400 pounds. Ruby says she has no memories before the age of 13, and believes whatever happened to her is the reason she ballooned to 716 pounds. In the next season of her Style Network show, “Ruby,” she’s going to try to uncover that. Other than that, she is psyched to be able to do things she wants these days, like flying to Australia now that she can fit in the restrooms. Go Ruby!
  • “Dancing With the Stars” offered up some “Hot Body Secrets” this issue. Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger says, “I’m the only person ever to gain weight on the show! I’m putting on muscle mass. And all this dancing means I need more food!” But the singer’s healthy snacks included apples with peanut butter or Kashi GoLean bars. ESPN reporter Erin Andrews says she’s trying to keep weight on after losing her “butt and boobs” and started eating dessert and drinking (gasp) regular Coke to stop shrinking. Niecy Nash has been doing Pilates on top of her dancing. At a recent fitting, her gown had to be taken in at the waist. Pamela Anderson has really taken to exercising since she didn’t have a fitness regimen before the show. She has a vegan diet with lots of beans and leafy greens and says the dancing has made her toned and her stomach more defined. Great, hot women are getting hotter. Boo. [Us Weekly]

  • Penny Marshall is fighting her battle with cancer and has decided to try alternative medicine on top of chemotherapy and radiation. The medicine includes dietary supplements, acupuncture, chiropractic adjustments, and alkaline, oxygen, and pH balance adjustments. But her cancer has spread from her liver to other parts of her body and even though she quit smoking four packs a day. Unfortunately the “Laverne and Shirley” actress is not doing well.
  • Mel Gibson has apparently broken up with his Russian girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva after a massive fight where she accused him of cheating and expressed her anger over the fact that he has yet to keep his promise of marrying her. Oksana just gave birth to the couple’s daughter, Lucia, in October and even though he ended his 29-year marriage, Oksana feels he’s “indifferent toward her and their baby” according to an insider. And instead of putting a ring on it, Mel has bailed on the relationship. [The National Enquirer]

  • People has taken a look inside Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy’s “Shocking Split,” and reports that at a recent autism fundraiser, “Jenny rarely smiled and looked serious …There wasn’t that spark between them. They didn’t seem to be in sync.” While some friends say they were surprised by the breakup, others confirm that Jim is hard to date. “He is someone who desperately needs to be with someone, then just as desperately needs to be alone.” Another source says that Jenny can be “really aggressive and ambitious” and she is working on her seventh book about “sex and love, and how we manipulate to get them both.” Friends don’t rule out a reconciliation but say that the pair needs time to heal from a “profound and real,” but maybe not permanent, love.
  • “Dancing with the Stars” contestant and comedian Niecy Nash says she is hurting in places she didn’t know she had. She says, “In the middle of my tears, I will reach down into my bones and find that joke.” The “Reno 911″ star has seen her share of tears, after watching her mom get shot by her boyfriend (but surviving) when Niecy was 15, and then losing her brother in a school shooting involving a love triangle. When her mother said, “I give up,” Niecy stood at the foot of her bed every day, telling jokes until she cheered up. Eventually, says Nash, “That’s when I realized comedy was a gift.” Even though at size 8, she’s the biggest “DWTS” contestant, she says she loves her “jiggly” parts: “I love looking like a woman. In fact, I go around to some of my competitors and try to force-feed them doughnuts.” Well, someone has to!
  • Everyone’s least favorite “DWTS” contestant, Kate Gosselin, says that this experience “will just make me stronger.” She’s about to promote her newest book, I Just Want You To Know and there’s a new custody battle on the horizon with Jon, who’s asked for primary custody if Kate continues to be an “absentee parent.” Kate isn’t worried about losing the kids though, and expresses interest in giving Jon more responsibility. But while Kate’s forced to support them on her own, Kate is happy to return to TLC with “Kate Plus 8.” Of the criticism, Kate says, “People who try to knock me down—all it does is make me more fierce, more protective, more determined to do better. Go ahead, take me on. This will just make me stronger.” [People]

  • Multiple sources have confirmed that Angelina Jolie is pregnant, with what would be her and Brad’s seventh little one. A family insider says, “She’s about three months along. It’s no accident. Angie has wanted to get pregnant since before she left for Italy in February.” During a recent scene with Johnny Depp, Angie asked for grape juice instead of wine and has added more red meat and fish to her diet “like she always does when she’s expecting,” according to an insider. The costume department and a body double are needed to cover up the growing baby bump issues, which will be interesting for that nude shower scene that still needs to be shot. A source says that Angie wants to continue adopting and “isn’t concerned about raising even more kids.” Brad was apparently surprised since they’d discussed waiting three years until the twins were 5 years old. But now that Angie has to take it easy, Brad’s allowed to take on more projects. And they’re looking for a new nanny who’s “over 30, female and able to speak French. But most of all, she has to be willing to travel eight months out of the year.”
  • Candy Spelling has apparently offered her daughter Tori 10 million dollars, under the condition that she dump her husband, Dean McDermott. An insider says, “Candy despises the guy and wants him out of Tori’s life for good, she feels he’s a leech.” After Tori and Dean eloped, Candy made sure the couple got less than a million of Tori’s father’s $500 million estate. And since Tori and Candy’s reconciliation, Dean has been slowly wedged out and gets in fights with Tori that she won’t stand up for him. But despite the fighting, Tori’s hoping that their next show, “Tori & Dean: Weddings,” will mean she doesn’t need her mom’s money. An insider says, “Someone is going to be the loser in this tug-of-war, Candy isn’t going to put up with Dean forever and will eventually force Tori to decide whose side she’s on once and for all.”
  • In a match made in hell, Michael Lohan and Kate Major plan to get married at Oheka Castle in Long Island. Kate told Star that the wedding will be big since they both have large families and she’s considering a strapless Vera Wang gown. For the guest list, Jon is apparently not invited, but Kate says they really want Lindsay Lohan to be present. “I hope for the sake of her father’s happiness, Lindsay will be in attendance,” she said. For some reason, Michael is wearing a wife-beater in the article’s lovey-dovey photo. Nothing good can come of this. [Star]