I’m Older Than You. Here’s Some Advice.

Am I older than you? Hard to say. Seeing as I don’t know how old you are. But let’s assume the answer is: probably. Now that I have been alive these many years, I have some words of wisdom to share. Helpful? Who knows. Note what fits and discard the rest. In the end, life’s a bit of a crap shoot. Or maybe it’s like a box of chocolates. Today, it’s a listicle.

  1. Families are weird.
  2. Just say no to college loans.
  3. Your experiences are the only thing you will remember with any clarity.
  4. What doesn’t kill you scares the crap out of you.
  5. If you are trying to get somewhere, you never will.
  6. Girlfriends last longer than boyfriends.
  7. Stop watching so much TV.
  8. Sexually, try and stay in the single to double digits.
  9. Regret is baggage that doesn’t belong to you.
  10. If you smile, your brain will think you are happy.
  11. Get the whole education thing over with early.
  12. The longer you can go without being arrested the better.
  13. If you can’t fart in front of him, you can’t possibly marry him.
  14. What matters today will be totally forgotten 24 hours from now.
  15. Boredom is death.
  16. You can’t outrun your childhood.
  17. Debt is like herpes: do not want.
  18. Marriage asks you to sacrifice yourself for the common good.
  19. Laughter is the best medicine, but gin is nice, too.
  20. Men are mysterious.
  21. It’s never too early or too late to reinvent yourself.
  22. Sex is totally important and not important at all.
  23. Divorce is survivable.
  24. Children know more than you do.
  25. There is nothing better than being in love, not even money.