Last night, while I was catching up on “United States Of Tara,” I learned that no matter how much of a Frisky gal I am, there are still some sexy things I don’t know. There was a running joke on the last episode, started by high schoolers, about doin’ it like dogs in a bathtub. WTF is that, you wonder? It’s not nearly as innocent as this adorable poodle. I looked it up on Wikipedia and I found the answer in a whole list of naughty things. OK, just like on the TV show, most of these were clearly from teenage boys—9 out of 10 are about the booty hole or poop. And, unfortch, some are pretty offensive, especially the ones with pictures. Lucky for you, my beloved pervs, I weeded the “good” ones out of the lot! Wikipedia has made this ho bag feel like a virgin … and I’m kinda OK with that. Here are 10 crazy suggestions from Wiki’s “List Of Sex Moves.”
- Dog In A Bathtub: While doin’ a lady, you put your ball sack in her poop shoot. Yep, that’s about as hard as it is to keep a dog in a bath tub.
Frisky Thoughts: Hm, what’s a “Cat In A Bathtub” then?
- Alexander Graham Bell: This takes three people; at least one must have a penis. So, while blowing the dude, the blower talks into the head. Then, participant #3 tries to listen to what they’re saying by pressing an ear up to their balls like it’s schlong phone. It’s telefornication!
Frisky Thoughts: We’d rather ride our cell phones’ vibrate function.
- 72: Simple mathematics—a 69 plus three fingers in the booty hole. You pick the lucky winner!
Frisky Thoughts: Congrats, Wikipedia, this one seems actually do-able! Although, perhaps a 71 would be enough for us. We’re not that greedy.
- The Ice Cream Stand: She does a headstand. You put ice cream in her crotch and eat it out.
Frisky Thoughts: Sounds like a yeasty-beasty and a headache, not to mention the one way you could waste my newfound yoga talents in bed.
- The Abe Lincoln (AKA The Monkey Or The Werewolf): Shave each other’s hot spots. Then, do it. When he’s about to blow, he pulls out and squirts on your face then tosses on the shavings. Viola! Now, you look like you could be president, or a mythical man-beast, or something that belongs in a cage.
Frisky Thoughts: It’s already BS that girls get bikini waxes while you dudes grow both your face and crotch beard like it ain’t no thang. But, seriously, this is the worst breaking of the “not on the face” rule possible.
- 40 And Plum: This is when you take a chick 40 miles out of town and plum off the road to sex up.
Frisky Thoughts: If driving two hours for no reason is the best way you can think to spice up your sex life, you need to take a closer look, my friend.
- Ambushed Paddington: Named for the bear, it simply means when you’re about to finish, you pull out and do it all over the face of the teddy bear on her bed.
Frisky Thoughts: Nooooo, Muffin! J/K. That’s the way the cookie crumbles if you’re an adult that sleeps with a stuffed animal. Besides, we’re willing to bet that doll has seen worse.
- Backseat Bullride (Or The Rodeo): While having sex with a girl doggy-style, reach around with your right arm and grab her left boobie. Then, whisper in her ear, “Your sister likes it like this,” and try to hold on for 10 seconds.
Frisky Thoughts: I don’t have a sister! But apparently, I do have an idiot for a BF.
- Wheel Of Fortune: Have a girl sit in a chair that spins and stick out her tongue. Then, place your D or V at the precise level of her tongue. Spin the chair as fast as you can.
Frisky Thoughts: Puke. Literally.
- Eiffel Tower: A threesome with at least two dudes. While the third is down on all fours, s/he is giving one guy a blowjob while the other is penetrating him/her. Then, the two dudes on either side high-five, forming a structure akin to the Parisian monument.
Frisky Thoughts: If you can get a threesome with two dudes, you deserve the high-five.