Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Jen And Gerard Are Baby-Making? Kate Gosselin Is After Jake Pavelka?

While I’ve been digesting Easter Peeps and other things that aren’t meant to be broken down by the human body, the stars have been suuuper busy falling in love, getting in bikini shape, breaking up, and throwing tantrums. They make me feel so lazy. But learning about their trials and tribulations is almost like leaving the house, so it’s my pleasure to pour over the weekly rags to bring you the best and worst of tabloid fodder.

  • OK! instantly made my morning with the cover line “Finally, A Baby For Jen!” And although Aniston isn’t actually carrying said baby, the tab hints that she’s preparing for babyland in whatever form it comes to her. While she’s been doing a promotional tour with costar Gerard Butler, the two have gotten very close and truly enjoy each other. It’s looking like even if they don’t settle down, Jen might go the single mother route with Gerard’s help, or opt for artificial insemination or adoption from Mexico. Yay, Team Jen! Baby time!
  • Apparently, Rihanna and Jennifer Lopez are “style BFFs,” which in context means that they’re friends who talk about fashion, I guess? After meeting at a concert in New York, the two ladies bonded and now spend a lot of time on the phone together. Rihanna has been encouraging J.Lo to go with a more rock ‘n’ roll look while Jenny from the block is encouraging RiRi to incorporate some “grown-up, ladylike looks to her repertoire.” J.Lo has also counseled Rihanna on dating bad guys. Sounds estromantic. Yeah. I went there.
  • It’s been six weeks of “Dancing with the Stars,” and Kate Gosselin is not only the worst dancer ever, she is also already stressing out about how much time the dancing is taking up. She’s “dancing” from about 8 a.m. until 4 p.m. every day and then she has to get her tan and nails done to look glam on the show. Meanwhile, Jon has stepped up to take care of the kids. Her townspeople are apparently not big supporters of Kate’s “DWTS” decision. One local said, “If you want the fame and money, there’s a price to pay.” [OK! ]

  • Us Weekly concentrated on Kate, using her looking as unhappy as possible on the cover. One source says, “She walks around with a big pout on her face all the time. Everyone has bad days, but she does little to hide it.” It’s such a bummer after her and her partner Tony Dovolani were so excited to dance together. Just back in March, Dovolani said, “Hopefully out families will have some barbecues together.” Now the dancer is counting the days until he’s free of the “shopping cart” he’s been dragging around on the dance floor and her saying things like, “I’m the reason anyone knows your name, so give me a break!”
  • Sandra Bullock has given up on Jesse James, but she is heartbroken about leaving her stepdaughter Sunny. Jesse thought he could buy himself some points with sex rehab, but a friend says, “She thinks Jesse’s rehab trip is pathetic. She’s not taking him back.” And while Sandra’s packing up her belongings, little 6-year-old Sunny has been helping her carry things. Sandra’s helped raise Sunny for five years but has no legal or biological rights to the girl she’s called her “greatest joy.” While Jesse is in rehab, Sunny’s grandmother and Jesse’s ex-wife Carla are taking care of her while Sandra hides out in her Hollywood Hills home, planning her next move.
  • Kourtney Kardashian is currently in Miami, filming “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami” with her new baby, Mason, and her boyfriend, Scott Disick. And though things were allegedly good a few weeks ago and Scott got a job as a club promoter, Scott’s late-night partying has forced Kourt to give him an ultimatum to “grow up or get out.” She wants Scott to quit drinking and they’ve gotten in a few blowout arguments during the past few weeks. Scott feels like he has to be the partying villain in their show since the girls have settled down. Sources in Miami say, “Tomorrow they could be lovey-dovey and then the next day they could be broken up. They live to fight.” [Us Weekly]

  • The National Enquirer has reported that Oprah has kicked out her longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham, and her longtime best friend and alleged lesbian lover, Gayle King, has moved in because Oprah’s “tired of living a lie.” Finally, like Ellen before her, Oprah has accepted her lesbianism and millions of Americans will be forced to acknowledge that she is gay. It will be awesome … if only the National Enquirer were a more reputable source.
  • Scientologist Jason Lee’s (“My Name is Earl”) ex-wife Carmen Llywllyn has come forward to talk about the church. Apparently, she met Tom Cruise back in the day and when the topic of Scientology came up, he turned to his wife at the time, Nicole Kidman, and said, “Well, me and Nicole are Scientologists, too! Right, Nic?” But Nicole just stared at him. Carmen remembers, “She gave Tom the most evil look.” During Carmen’s own divorce proceedings, the Scientologists prepared divorce documents and “double-crossed” Carmen because “they did not want to upset or lose their celebrity.” She continued, “Scientologists followed me down the street. They came looking for me to scare me. I was nearly suicidal.”
  • In more fun unlikely news, Kate Gosselin has gone all cougar town on Jake Pavelka! Apparently, Jake is the only contestant who has comforted Kate after the judges’ harsh criticism and Kate wants to take Jake away from Vienna Girardi. An insider says, “Kate is totally unfazed by the fact that Jake is engaged, and she’s making it clear that they could have a future.” Another source said, “Kate’s never looked better, so she feels she could snare a hot guy like Jake. She also believes all’s fair in love and war. Since Jake isn’t married yet, she thinks he’s fair game.” Just when you thought reality TV was losing its edge. [The National Enquirer]

  • Finally, the tabloids have acknowledged the existence of teen idol Justin BieberPeople has put him on the cover. His latest album, My World 2.0, debuted at No. 1, making him the youngest solo male artist to top the charts since Stevie Wonder in 1963. The 16-year-old heartbreaker to screaming teeny-bopper fans has come a long way since living in Ontario public housing with his mom, who worked two jobs and had Justin when she was 19 years old. Justin started playing the drums at 12, and he posted a YouTube video of him in a local singing competition which caught the eye of his manager, music executive Scooter Braun. Usher and Justin Timberlake both wanted to sign him to their labels, but Bieber went with Usher. The baby-faced man-boy might pursue acting on the side and says of his success, “I have so many things, but where’d this come from? Out of nowhere. Someone, like, pinch me.”
  • “Dancing with the Stars” partners Maksim Chmerkovskiy and ESPN announcer Erin Andrews are head over heels for each other. Unlike Kate and Tony’s lackluster performances, these two received a standing ovation for their waltz, which was sealed with a kiss. When asked if they were the hottest couple on television, Erin said, “Of course we are!” Erin recently had to deal with a stalker who videotaped her through a hotel peephole, but Maks is making sure she’s safe now, always checking in to make sure she got home OK. Meanwhile, Maks broke off his engagement to Karina Smirnoff last September. Erin said of their growing relationship, “Maks has seen every side of me, at some points it’s like we’re dating; at others, it’s like, oh, we so broke up two days ago. Now it’s almost like we’re past dating.” She adds jokingly, “Now we’re working on a kid!”
  • In celebration of Suri Cruise’s 4th birthday, People has compiled a 4-page photo album of the good times, showing each year of utter cuteness and reminding us that she dresses better than us, wears more makeup than some of us, and is known for flights of whimsy like switching her shoes in the middle of the day. It really makes us reflect on all the joy Suri’s brought us. Happy Birthday, little Suri! [People]

  • Star got the real scoop on Sandra Bullock and Jesse Jame’s marriage—not only has Sandra filed for a divorce, but she’s also allegedly asked for a restraining order to keep Jesse at least 500 feet away from her. Apparently, Jesse has made threatening phone calls to the actress, telling her she’ll “regret it” if she divorces him. When Sandra stopped answering his incessant phone calls, Jesse started calling her friends and left rehab before returning at his lawyer’s insistence. Jesse’s anger problems scare Sandra’s friends and her, and now Jesse has the children saying, “Please come home, Mommy.” Sandra had a blowout fight with Jesse before he left for rehab, telling him she “despises him.” And one of the first things she did at home was to throw out her mattress because it nauseated her to think that she once shared a bed with such a monster.
  • Star was first to report that funny couple Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey broke up. Friends say that although they appeared care-free, they’ve had a lot of mini-breakups because “Jim is not easy to be with. He has a lot of problems with depression.” And Jim stopped taking Prozac, which led to an emotional roller coaster for the couple. “When he’d get really down, he’d just disappear. He would hide out in a hotel or one of his homes, not answering her calls.” The split was amicable and both Jim and Jenny have respectfully announced the breakup on their Twitter accounts.
  • Jennifer Hudson is the new spokesmodel for Weight Watchers and talks about her new body since losing 50 pounds. Jennifer said, “I was very comfortable with myself before, I’ve never had a problem, it’s just I have a child now, and I want to set a great example for him.” On top of the Weight Watchers diet, Jenn works out with celebrity trainer Harley Pasternak five days a week, for at least 30 minutes, and she’s cut out junk food and sodas in favor of almonds, fruit, and water. Meh, sounds tedious. Maybe I’ll stick to being chubby. [Star]