10 Time-Tested, 100 Percent True Dating Theories

Yesterday, I stumbled across this list of dating theories from an anonymous dude who claims to have over two decades of dating experience. That’s a confirmed bachelor, all right. Most of his theories were funny (“Women Who Begin Emails With ‘Hey You’ Are Crazy”) and some were straight-up genius (“Drinking Red Wine On Dates Is The Best”). This got me thinking about some of our favorite dating theories over here at The Frisky. Check out our assorted theories after the jump, and share yours in the comments.

  • Theory #1: You Can Tell A Lot About A Man By His Shoes. Petty as it sounds, a man’s shoe habits reveal a lot about his character. For example, if he still has his favorite pair of sneakers from high school, he’s loyal—almost to a fault. If he has a bunch of flashy shoes, he’s a raging narcissist who needs attention. If his shoes don’t fit him right, he’s trying to be something he’s not. If he has more shoes than you, something’s not quite right. And if he has trouble finding a pair he likes—well, he has trouble making a commitment.
  • Theory #2: Guys Usually Reveal Their Issues In The First Hour. It’s true—the trick is that you just have to really hear what is said. If he says that he’s cheated on a girlfriend, or has never been in love, or has an addictive person, or is a bad communicator, he means it. This information is not an invitation to see if you will be the first one to break the cycle.
  • Theory #3: Well-Endowed Men Are Lazy. Some ladies on our staff think that men with giant penises often feel that they can just lie there and let you do all the work. Maybe it’s that all the blood has to leave other parts of their body to fuel the giant erection?
  • Theory #4: The Way A Guy Talks About His Exes Says A Lot About How He Thinks About Women. In other words, it should be a big, huge red flag if someone describes an ex as “crazy” or a “bitch”—that could be how they tend to think of women’s behavior in general and it’s very possible that he does things in relationships he’s not aware of to bring those qualities out of someone. If he describes his exes as “possessive” or “controlling,” etc.—that’s a yellow flag. It could be true. Or it could be that he’s not so great at the compromise required in a relationship or thinks of relationships in annoying ball-and-chain terms. You want someone who admires their exes, but is no longer hung up on any of them.
  • Theory #5: What He Says About His Mom Also Says A Lot About Him. If he’s a total mama’s boy, he may be clingy with you. If he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom for no apparent reason, then he probably doesn’t know how to treat or respect a woman. You want someone who loves his mom but isn’t overly dependent on her.
  • Theory #6: How Long It Takes Him To Ask You Out Again Correlates To His Level Of Interest. If he asks when you’re free next before the end of your date, he is way into you. If he takes a few days, he could go either way. If it’s more than a week, NEXT.
  • Theory #7: Dry Guys Are Crazy. One Frisky staffer says that after a stint of dating men who liked booze a little too much, she decided to only date teetotalers. They turned out to be more cuckoo-bird-psycho insane than the drunks. Note taken.
  • Theory #8: A Slight Attraction Imbalance Can Actually Be A Good Thing. Another staffer here—one who happens to be in a very happy relationship—swears that the best (hetero) relationships are always between men who love/are attracted to their women just a teensy bit more than the women love/are attracted to them. Interesting.
  • Theory #9: Notice What Boundaries He Tries To Test Early On. Guys are often looking to see what they can get away with. Sometimes that can be benign—he’ll push to get another drink night with the buddies or to program more of his shows on the DVR. But sometimes they can be a big deal. Does he seem to be hinting at things in the sack that aren’t your cup of tea? Or to have looser bounds on the relationship in general? If so, beware. Oh, and guys who have girlfriends are a big no-no. Seriously, they’re just looking to see (a) if they can get another girl and (b) if they can get away with it.
  • Theory #10: All Guys Are On An “As Is” Basis. Dudes are who they are. If you want to take one, you have to take them as they are—not on their potential, but on what they are actually offering. If he comes across like a dreamer and not a doer, it won’t change. There is no special tailor to take him to and get him fixed.